The things you'll buy from a corner shop because you're a lazy sod

SHOULD you cook a decent meal? Nah, you can’t be bothered so just get this random processed shit from the corner shop 20 metres away.

Crap Birds Eye chicken products

Out of sheer laziness you’ll convince yourself the ersatz chicken nuggets will be tasty. They’ll actually be a bit slimy, or contain a surprising amount of air. Ideal for dieters as you scrape most of them into the bin.

Dr Oetker pizzas

You know you shouldn’t really eat these, because you could get a far superior pizza just by wandering to Sainsbury’s or dialling for one. Instead you chomp through the cardboard-tasting base and tiny bits of topping. Interestingly, Dr Oetker’s son was in the SS, so maybe sadism was a family trait.

Very low quality toilet paper

Not the most thrilling purchase, but your corner shop will sell it for double the price of normal toilet paper. You’ll soon discover there are only about 20 sheets on the loose roll, and there is a strong chance of your fingers going through it.

Extremely dodgy wine

£2.99 for a bottle of red is a bargain, right? Until it actually enters your mouth. You’re not sure if it’s corked, just very poor quality or consists of 60 per cent antifreeze from a bootleg operation in Latvia. You’ll still drink it, though. 

Pot Noodles

A delightful trip down memory lane to your childhood, surely? But once you’re grimly chomping through the horrible chemical-tasting noodles you remember why you haven’t eaten one for 30 years.

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Carrying on shopping while in the checkout queue, and other acts of supermarket arseholery

ARE you frequently in state of silent rage about the twats in your local Asda? Here are some of the worst offenders.

Person still shopping while at checkout

The person ahead of you is just doing a light shop, you think. Until you realise that’s only a third of what they intend to buy. Only when in the queue do they remember the other two thirds of things they forgot to get, the vacuous, flakey scum.

The macho maskless man

He stalks the aisles defiantly, hoping some Guardian-reading weed will confront him. He’s not actually there to buy anything; he’s doing his rounds of retail outlets to prove how muscular and hard he is. Next stop after this – Carphone Warehouse.

The queue hedge better

They’re in front of you. But then they see another till processing faster so hop over there. Only that queue slows up – so they return to your queue, resuming their place in front of you. These people exist and lengthy penal servitude is the only appropriate option for them.

Nattering and blocking the frozen food section

Two trolleys create a blockade as their users chatter away like they’re in the park. You’re trying to reach over for some Ben & Jerry’s but you’re made to feel like you’re invading their conversational space. Only by summoning your deepest reserves of passive aggression can you get them to sigh and move on.

Old man complaining about prices at till

‘£2.99?’ ‘Yes, £2.99.’ (Pause) ‘£2.99?’

And so on, for several minutes. A man with a generous pension is angry that prices haven’t stayed frozen since 1972.