Sunday, 1st November 2020

The top five autumn coffees you'll sound like a twat for ordering

AUTUMN, the season of mists and limited edition coffees is here, but which matches your twat level at this time of year? Use our guide: 

Gingerbread latte

A coffee that screams ‘I’m afraid of growing up and don’t really like coffee’, traditionally shared on Instagram with the caption ‘#adulting’ despite the fact that it comes with two cute little gingerbread men coyly perched on the side of the plate.

Twat rating: 5/10

Anything with syrup

Hold up the whole queue by demanding a ‘shot’ of sugary gunk is pumped into your otherwise satisfactory coffee. For extra twat points ask what they taste like, as if the names ‘hazelnut’, ‘caramel’ and ‘cinnamon’ weren’t self-explanatory.

Twat rating: 6.5/10

Decaf soy salted caramel mocha latte

Any drink that takes six words to describe will also be garnished by your barista’s bogey, because f**k you for making her do all that bullshit. You won’t be asked if you want squirty cream because otherwise we’ll be here all day.

Twat rating: 8/10

Anything with a cinnamon stick

Turn your coffee into a bowl of potpourri with the help of a giant cinnamon stick. It will do nothing to affect the flavour of your drink and you will forget that it’s not a chocolate flake and take a greedy bite out of it.

Twat rating: 9/10

Pumpkin spice latte

The most basic and predictable of autumnal coffees, and therefore the most twattish. Just like Fight Club, the first rule of Pumpkin Spice Lattes is you do not talk about Pumpkin Spice Lattes, unless you want to be dragged out to the car park and beaten up. It’s no more than you deserve.

Twat rating: 10/10