The top five autumn coffees you'll sound like a twat for ordering

AUTUMN, the season of mists and limited edition coffees is here, but which matches your twat level at this time of year? Use our guide: 

Gingerbread latte

A coffee that screams ‘I’m afraid of growing up and don’t really like coffee’, traditionally shared on Instagram with the caption ‘#adulting’ despite the fact that it comes with two cute little gingerbread men coyly perched on the side of the plate.

Twat rating: 5/10

Anything with syrup

Hold up the whole queue by demanding a ‘shot’ of sugary gunk is pumped into your otherwise satisfactory coffee. For extra twat points ask what they taste like, as if the names ‘hazelnut’, ‘caramel’ and ‘cinnamon’ weren’t self-explanatory.

Twat rating: 6.5/10

Decaf soy salted caramel mocha latte

Any drink that takes six words to describe will also be garnished by your barista’s bogey, because f**k you for making her do all that bullshit. You won’t be asked if you want squirty cream because otherwise we’ll be here all day.

Twat rating: 8/10

Anything with a cinnamon stick

Turn your coffee into a bowl of potpourri with the help of a giant cinnamon stick. It will do nothing to affect the flavour of your drink and you will forget that it’s not a chocolate flake and take a greedy bite out of it.

Twat rating: 9/10

Pumpkin spice latte

The most basic and predictable of autumnal coffees, and therefore the most twattish. Just like Fight Club, the first rule of Pumpkin Spice Lattes is you do not talk about Pumpkin Spice Lattes, unless you want to be dragged out to the car park and beaten up. It’s no more than you deserve.

Twat rating: 10/10

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Trump ran property empire cash-in-hand, reckons plumber

A PLUMBER believes Donald Trump got away with paying no tax because he ran his multi-million property empire on a cash-in-hand basis. 

Jack Browne of Wolverhampton confirmed he is ‘pretty savvy’ at tax avoidance himself, and knows all the tricks the president uses ‘if not a few more’.

He continued: “The key is that cash is king. When he’s renting Trump Tower to Nike, he’ll probably say ‘Sorry, my bank doesn’t take checks, do you mind you nipping out the cashpoint? I can wait in the van.’

“Or he’ll have told NBC when he’s doing The Apprentice ‘Can you believe it, I’ve forgotten my account number again’ or ‘I’m just between accounts.’ Or maybe even offered a discount if they keep it off the books.

“Another thing he might have done is quote a job – in his case building a 263-room luxury hotel, in mine fitting a new septic tank – higher than it should be, then use the extra to buy kit for another job.

“And claim everything’s for business, like he does with his Mar-a-Lago resort and estate and I do with my 2004 Citroen Berlingo, and you’re basically getting all the personal use for free.”

Browne added: “Mind you, there’s no way he’d make it as a plumber. Too thick by far.”