WANT to make the queue you’re standing in move faster? Here are five tactics that won’t make a blind bit of difference but will make sure everyone else knows you’re a dickhead.
Huff and puff
Show you’re too important to be waiting like this by making audible huffing and puffing noises and shifting from leg to leg like a dragon who really needs a piss. This will show the riffraff waiting patiently alongside you that you’re superior to them. If their time was as valuable as yours then they’d be huffing and puffing too. The losers.
Call a friend
There’s no better way to let everyone know your feelings about the queue than by calling a friend and telling them, loudly, that you’re pissed off because you’re stuck in a queue. Don’t get distracted and start having a nice chat though, otherwise you’ll forget your main goal, which is to be bloody furious about the queue.
Distort the truth
What time did you arrive in the queue? Forget that time and imagine another time ten, 15 or even 45 minutes earlier, and convince yourself you’ve been queuing since then. Buying into your own bullshit will give you a delightful feeling of self-righteous outrage, just like a Daily Mail reader pretending everyone is out to rip them off or ruin their life.
As time passes and you realise your attitude is achieving nothing except dirty looks, you may be tempted to start using this dead time to do productive things, eg. replying to work emails or getting today’s Wordle out of the way. Don’t. Your reason for existing is to be frustrated about the queue. Don’t take your eye off the ball and start making the problem go away.
Time how long each person is spending at the booth, till or check-in and come up with wild exaggerations about how long you’re likely to have to wait until your turn. If the queue suddenly starts moving faster than expected or more booths are opened, don’t lighten up. Shouting out ‘Finally!’ or ‘About bloody time’ is much better.