The twat's guide to letting everyone know you're sick of standing in a queue

WANT to make the queue you’re standing in move faster? Here are five tactics that won’t make a blind bit of difference but will make sure everyone else knows you’re a dickhead.

Huff and puff

Show you’re too important to be waiting like this by making audible huffing and puffing noises and shifting from leg to leg like a dragon who really needs a piss. This will show the riffraff waiting patiently alongside you that you’re superior to them. If their time was as valuable as yours then they’d be huffing and puffing too. The losers.

Call a friend 

There’s no better way to let everyone know your feelings about the queue than by calling a friend and telling them, loudly, that you’re pissed off because you’re stuck in a queue. Don’t get distracted and start having a nice chat though, otherwise you’ll forget your main goal, which is to be bloody furious about the queue.

Distort the truth

What time did you arrive in the queue? Forget that time and imagine another time ten, 15 or even 45 minutes earlier, and convince yourself you’ve been queuing since then. Buying into your own bullshit will give you a delightful feeling of self-righteous outrage, just like a Daily Mail reader pretending everyone is out to rip them off or ruin their life.

Do nothing

As time passes and you realise your attitude is achieving nothing except dirty looks, you may be tempted to start using this dead time to do productive things, eg. replying to work emails or getting today’s Wordle out of the way. Don’t. Your reason for existing is to be frustrated about the queue. Don’t take your eye off the ball and start making the problem go away.


Time how long each person is spending at the booth, till or check-in and come up with wild exaggerations about how long you’re likely to have to wait until your turn. If the queue suddenly starts moving faster than expected or more booths are opened, don’t lighten up. Shouting out ‘Finally!’ or ‘About bloody time’ is much better.

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Crisp sandwiches and other meals that aren't anything to be proud of

PEOPLE rave about crisp sandwiches and other stupid food concoctions. If that’s you, here are some to stop wanking on about and eat a normal grown-up meal instead.

Crisp sandwiches

Isn’t it hilarious that you love this kiddie foodstuff? No. They taste crap and it’s basically playing with your food like a child. It also suggests a need for attention and has a weird element of inverse snobbery: ‘I don’t need your posh, clever-clever sandwich fillings like ham’. Remarkably, the humble crisp sandwich proves you’re a twat on four different levels.

Munchie boxes

A pizza box full of fast food. Nothing wrong with fast food per se, it’s the fact that the selling points are enormous quantity and extreme cheapness. If your definition of eating well is gorging until you’re f**king stuffed, next time you go to an Indian restaurant save yourself a fortune and order ten servings of boiled rice.

Fish fingers, beans and chips

Another regression to childhood. Has a certain value as comfort food – or a zero-effort hot meal if you’re extremely hungover or lazy – but in truth it’s pretty boring. If you’re this obsessed with nostalgic food, just tuck into some jars of Cow & Gate. And maybe wear a nappy for the ultimate luxury of shitting yourself in front of the TV.

Deep-fried chip butty 

Misses the point of eating protein with starch or salad to balance and thus improve both ingredients. It’s like having a duck breast wrapped in bacon between two sirloin steaks – too much for any meat eater, except possibly a leopard. Popular in the North, so if crisp sandwiches are inverse snobbery, deep-fried chip butties are having a massive chip on your shoulder about being from Doncaster.

Kebab meat in a roll

Sad because it implies an actual doner kebab is too exotic for your tastes. Invariably comes in a squishy white roll with chips and probably ketchup. Your aversion to salad suggests you are one of those melodramatic picky eaters who claims you can’t eat fresh fruit without throwing up.

Eating a large bag of Haribo 

Yeah yeah, Haribo are quite tasty, but think back to an earlier occasion when you ate just sweets and felt nauseous and somewhat ashamed and your teeth were covered in fur. That’s called ‘predicting events’. It’s what very small children and the lower animals can’t do. You have failed to evolve from a goldfish who eats flakes of fish food until its guts pop.

Mash in a pot

If you’ve not encountered this it’s just-add-boiling-water instant mash, possibly with chicken flavouring, marketed as a snack for busy people. The pathetic thing is that almost any superior snack – eg. cheese on toast – is just as quick. And trust us, workaholic currency traders do NOT eat this Poundland pleb shite for lunch.