Have you considered already being extremely rich? By Rishi Sunak

WITH prices hitting a 40-year high, guest columnist Rishi Sunak asks if you have considered being extremely rich like him.

Hi folks, Rishi here. You probably remember me from Eat Out To Help Out and that period in the pandemic when the press sucked my dick. Well, times have changed and now everyone is sad about money. But I ask you: have you thought about just being f**king loaded?

There are so many benefits to being flush with cash. You don’t have to worry about the price of your meals, and reading your energy meter won’t cause you to have a heart attack. Being rich is such an obvious solution I’m surprised more people aren’t doing it.

Layabouts and arts graduates say it’s too difficult to get rich, although I say they’re not trying hard enough. I know I made it look easy by working as a hedge fund manager then marrying a billionaire, but if you worked another job at night instead of sleeping you’d be raking it in too.

Make hay while the sun shines, that’s what I say. Because the economy isn’t going to get better any time soon, not while I’m in charge. Energy companies are essentially my god, and it’s important we pay tribute to them with eye-watering sums of money every month lest they smite us.

Anyway, that’s all the advice I’ve got. I can’t afford to bankroll you parasites again so take it or leave it. If you’re not earning at least £80K by June we will consider deporting you, so get a shift on. Hope that helps!

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How to talk about inflation but not mention Brexit

INFLATION rampant? Exports dropping? Sterling completely f**ked? Here’s how to discuss it without mentioning the red, white and blue elephant in the room.

It’s the war

There’s a war on and Grant Shapps is inches away from wearing a khaki tin helmet on BBC Breakfast. The war has affected gas prices. Consequently none of this is anything to do with the B-word and it’s all Russia’s fault, and its many London-based oligarchs who financially supported the Leave campaign. Oh. Shit.

Everyone’s in the same boat

There’s inflation across Europe, which proves it’s not a Britain-specific problem and not because of something Britain, specifically, did. Why, across the whole Eurozone it’s forecast to reach 6.2 per cent this year, while in Britain it’s already nine per cent for reasons we don’t need to go into.

At least everyone can get a job

This isn’t like the bad old days of 1982 when millions were out of work. In fact there are more jobs than there are people to fill them, thanks to a shortage of foreign workers for some inexplicable reason, which means wages are going up and it’s impossible to control inflation. F**king hell.

The weak pound actually helps

It’s actually great that the pound’s so weak because it increases exports which reduces inflation. So this will all sort itself out unless some kind of political restriction has been placed on exports to our closest neighbours meaning they can’t go up, increasing inflationary pressure. You know what, let’s move on.

It’s the Bank’s fault

Bloody Bank of England, not raising interest rates massively last year. Why, if they’d increased everyone’s mortgages by six per cent or so then we wouldn’t be in this terrible inflationary mess now. And that’s nothing to do with Britain proudly regaining its sovereignty! Ha! I mean, it’s bollocks, but still.