WITH prices hitting a 40-year high, guest columnist Rishi Sunak asks if you have considered being extremely rich like him.
Hi folks, Rishi here. You probably remember me from Eat Out To Help Out and that period in the pandemic when the press sucked my dick. Well, times have changed and now everyone is sad about money. But I ask you: have you thought about just being f**king loaded?
There are so many benefits to being flush with cash. You don’t have to worry about the price of your meals, and reading your energy meter won’t cause you to have a heart attack. Being rich is such an obvious solution I’m surprised more people aren’t doing it.
Layabouts and arts graduates say it’s too difficult to get rich, although I say they’re not trying hard enough. I know I made it look easy by working as a hedge fund manager then marrying a billionaire, but if you worked another job at night instead of sleeping you’d be raking it in too.
Make hay while the sun shines, that’s what I say. Because the economy isn’t going to get better any time soon, not while I’m in charge. Energy companies are essentially my god, and it’s important we pay tribute to them with eye-watering sums of money every month lest they smite us.
Anyway, that’s all the advice I’ve got. I can’t afford to bankroll you parasites again so take it or leave it. If you’re not earning at least £80K by June we will consider deporting you, so get a shift on. Hope that helps!