The wheelie bin, and other locations the Elf on the Shelf keeps turning up in

THROUGHOUT December parents are tasked with moving a sodding elf doll to new locations. Here are five places it always strangely ends up:

The bottom of the wheelie bin

Usually underneath weighty bin bags that are too heavy for your kids to lift up. They’ll sniff it out though, then you have to pretend to congratulate them on finding the extra little chore as if you haven’t got enough on your f**king plate in December. Try weighing the bin bags down with rubble in future.

Under the front wheel of your car

This will look perfectly innocent to your kids but if they had any powers of observation they would notice tread marks running across his torso. It’s almost as if someone’s repeatedly driven over his creepy smirking face. Nobody’s so petty as to take out their frustration on an innocent toy though, surely?

Next door’s garden

As your kids enjoy a peaceful slumber you tiptoe downstairs, pick up the elf doll and fling it as far as you can into next door’s garden. That’ll get the pesky prick out of your hair for a few hours before your neighbour dutifully returns it. If only they had a vicious dog to maul it to shreds.

The roof

Nobody lives on the roof so there’s no risk of him finding his way home. Instead he’ll spend a few nights exposed to the elements, and with any luck get carried away by a bird and used to make a nest. That’s if you don’t cave and rescue him after guiltily watching your kids tearfully search high and low.

The toilet

‘Oh dear,’ you’ll say with mock sincerity, ‘it looks like we’ll have to say goodbye to the Elf on the Shelf because someone’s dropped him in the toilet and now he’s covered in poo.’ There’s a risk this strategy could backfire though because kids are disgusting and won’t be repulsed.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

We can still be friends, man in new relationship lies to his mates

A MAN with a new girlfriend has consoled his mates with the empty promise that they can still be friends.

Jack Browne let his mates down gently with the devastating news that he now has a girlfriend by telling them that they can remain in touch and he still counts them as close friends.

Buddy James Bates said: “I knew something was up. He’s been coy about what he’s been up to and sometimes he covertly checks his phone and smiles. He thought we hadn’t noticed but it was obvious something was going on.

“Then he drops this bombshell and expects us to be cool about it? No f**king way. It’s as if our years of camaraderie have been for nothing. Pass the Ben & Jerry’s and my slanket.”

Bill McKay said: “I thought we had something really special, but that’s all over now. He’ll be too busy shagging his new bae’s brains out, meeting her friends and pretending to enjoy country walks. Meanwhile we’ll just be gathering dust on the shelf.

“It was nice of Jack to say we can still be friends but we all know that we’re dead to him now. At least he didn’t insult us by saying it’s not us, it’s him.”