Sunday, 27th September 2020

UK enjoying lovely day of hot weather while all hot weather activities banned

BRITAIN is looking forward to another day of sweltering weather with all swimming pools closed, beaches overcrowded, and beer gardens dicey at best. 

Across the country, Britons are looking out at the blazing sunshine and asking themselves what the f**k they are meant to do about it given the whole Covid thing.

Helen Archer said: “I could go out and sunbathe in my bikini in a park, if I wanted to be one of those kind of twats.

“Otherwise what is there? Picnic by a river? It’ll be heaving with dickheads. Beach? I’ll be on the front page of the Mail being one of the arseholes I tut about.

“Pub? Not unless I want my entire area locked down. Open-air pool? Should have booked in June, mate.

“And wild swimming might be very cool and organic and just the thing for Guardian-reading tits like me, but people drown. And that isn’t an otter bobbing mere feet from your face. It’s a turd.

“At least when it was sunny at the office you had air-conditioning. As far as I’m concerned the glorious weather can f**k right off.”