Unemployed 29-year-old increasingly sceptical about making Forbes 30 under 30 list

A BONE-IDLE 29-year-old with no experience or prospects is beginning to have serious doubts he will appear on Forbes’s prestigious 30 Under 30 list.

Joe Turner of Leeds was always confident he would one day appear in the magazine’s round-up of the most accomplished young people, despite not yet achieving anything of note.

But, months from his 30th birthday, Turner is beginning to fear that Forbes have completely overlooked his unique though as yet unexercised genius and potentially brilliant entrepreneurial mind.

He said: “I used to think I was on the shortlist but got knocked off by more deserving candidates, like Kylie Jenner. But now I’m starting to worry.

“Sure, I’m between jobs, failed my A-levels and haven’t raised millions in seed capital for my disruptive start-up, but that doesn’t mean I’m not one of this generation’s brightest young stars.

“I’ve worked in supermarkets, in bars, in call centres, in warehouses. I’ve grown my own weed and sold it. I’m a renaissance man compared to those muppets on the list. If that doesn’t deserve recognition, what’s the world coming to?

“It’s my 30th in March so the clock’s ticking. If they don’t get me in it’s their loss.”

A spokesman for Forbes said: “Mr Turner called us to complain. We offered him an internship but he said he couldn’t be arsed.”

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London cut off by ice to be abandoned to its fate

THE city of London, which has been cut off from the rest of the country by the frozen M25, is to be abandoned to its fate. 

The UK has agreed that it is a terrible shame that the whole of London and its inhabitants, including our government, is trapped inside a frozen orbital motorway and will not last the week, but never mind.

Norman Steele of Northampton said: “I imagine by the end of the day they’ll have turned on each other. Looting, cannibalism, Michael Gove hunted down the frozen Thames by fur-clad hipsters wielding spears. Oh well.

“We can’t get food supplies in to them, or power, and since it’s us who makes all that stuff and them who just sit there and f**king have it, it looks like they’re pretty much f**ked.

“How will we survive without them condescending to us about food trends? Without their endless TV shows about them and their mates? Without paying £8.90 for a pint?

“I guess we’ll just have to manage. We’ll leave the city forever empty as a memorial to how wonderful they all were, while we all move on and learn to live without them.”

Londoner Julian Cook said: “Hello? It’s okay, the M25’s clear now, you can start bringing us all our stuff again? Hello? Why are you pretending you can’t hear me?”