What sort of 'wanker in sunglasses' vibe are you giving off?

WITH so many designs of sunglasses there’s a multitude of ways to look like a prick. Here’s a handy guide to the vibe you’re giving off.

Mirrored: ‘Creepy bastard’

Because no one can see your eyes everyone thinks you’re perving at people. Which you undoubtedly are, however many times you say you got them to reduce ‘eye strain’.  

Wraparound: ‘Anally retentive’

It’s clear you’re not a nineties R’n’B star, cricketer or Neo in The Matrix. What’s also clear is the tight grip those sunglasses have on your head is nothing compared to the tight control you must have over every aspect of your life.

Yellow and amber tints: ‘Possibly evil’

Do your sunglasses change to a sinister shade of yellow? It’s entirely possible that when your shades change colour, so does your personality, like Jekyll and Hyde, and you become capable of murder. Even if you don’t you still look like Bono, which is worse.

Aviators: ‘Boring bastard’

You think you’re giving off a Top Gun vibe and that you’re cool yet dangerous. However Aviators are a clear sign of compensating for a lack of personality and your favourite topic of conversation is probably asset management.

Sunglasses on the Tube: ‘Lunatic or wanker’

Wearing shades in an underground tunnel where there’s no sun definitely calls your sanity into question. Either that or you think you look ‘cool’ when everyone is silently thinking ‘wanker’.

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Teenager better than his town and everyone who lives there

A 17-YEAR-OLD is absolutely convinced of his inherent natural superiority to the town he grew up in and all its residents. 

Tom Booker, who has spent his entire life in the fairly pleasant town of Nantwich in Cheshire, is contemptuous of all those who do not realise how shit it is and has vague plans to show them all.

He said: “Everyone here just wants to go to work, watch garbage on TV and wash their cars on Saturday like zombies. They’re all dead inside. Literally dead inside.

“I’m better than this place. I’ve got plans, plans to get incredibly rich in a creative field though I’m not sure which one yet. Then they’ll be ashamed of failing to recognise the genius in their midst.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “Tom says a lot of things like ‘This town won’t get me,’ while staring out across its rooftops, as if there’s a plan to kidnap him and chain him to a Greggs counter.

“He’s so sure he’ll make it out of here and do something amazing with his life. So far he’s only applied to Keele University, but you’ve got to start somewhere.”