'What the f**k am I meant to do with 10 lords a-leaping?' Your 12 Days of Christmas problems solved

YOUR true love has gone a bit over the top this Christmas with a parade of frankly f**ked-up gifts. What to do with them?

12 drummers drumming

An obvious regift to anyone you hate. Send the drummers to the home of your nemesis at 3am, keeping a frenetic beat. Yuletide joy guaranteed.

11 pipers piping

A perfect complement to the drummers, you might think, but there are too many twats who’d love the full Edinburgh tattoo. March them into the sea while you watch from a crag.

10 lords a-leaping

A tough sell as a gift. But Boris Johnson’s been packing the Lords with Tories so Keir Starmer will be glad of the reinforcements, however springy.

Nine ladies dancing

The regulars from Strictly. Dispatch them to have affairs with C-list celebrities then sell the stories to The Sun. A valuable income stream.

Eight maids a-milking

Farming’s largely mechanised these days. Maybe they still do it the old way with Prince Charles’s heritage organic bullshit? Put them free on Gumtree, someone will take them.

Seven swans a-swimming

Dangerous both physically, because they can break your arm, and legally, because they’re the Queen’s. Fly-tip in a lay-by.

Six geese a-laying

Another mob of intimidating waterfowl, thanks loads. Persuade a middle-class mate that geese are the new chickens and palm them off that way.

Five gold rings 

Cash for gold. Put it in Bitcoin.

Four calling birds

The physical manifestation of Twitter. Put in any workplace and soon they’ll have called out so much problematic behaviour everyone will be fired.

Three French hens

Persuade the same middle class mate, who now can’t set foot in his garden for hissing geese, to take them. They’re pure-bred Bresse Gauloise, £50 apiece.

Two turtle doves

Finally something romance-adjacent. Hire out to weddings or just keep around for date night.

A partridge in a pear tree

Plant the tree and eat the partridge. Thank your true love so much for their generous, imaginative and impractical gifts. Ask for vouchers next year.

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Why don't I feel Christmassy? asks woman who has to work all next week

A WOMAN who has to work all next week is wondering why she is not feeling even an inkling of festive spirit yet.

Due to Christmas Day falling on a Saturday, Nikki Hollis will be spending Christmas Eve in a 2022 marketing strategy review on Zoom with several colleagues that she hates.

Hollis said: “Christmas is the season of giving, but why the f**k do I have to give my precious time to mop up all the leftover work for the year, now that half the team has allegedly got Covid?

“I even have to spend the Christmas party on Wednesday afternoon sitting in front of a computer, thanks to Omicron. I’ll be sipping wine I bought myself and miserably making small talk instead of going to a local pub and getting inappropriately shitfaced on company money.

“Plus I won’t have time to go into town to admire the Christmas lights. Though I’m hoping that if I turn my screen brightness up full it will fill me with the same warm, festive glow while I’m filling in Donna’s performance review forms.

“Oh, who am I kidding? It’s going to be shit. But at least my boss won’t know my coffee mug is full of sherry.”