What to do if your partner's into superstitious bullshit

IS your partner into tarot, astrology or other superstitious crap? Here’s how not shout ‘it’s all bollocks’ right at them: 


Cards that can mean anything you want them to, interpreted by anyone looking for a suitably mystical way to tell you how to live your credulous life. If your partner owns a pack, repeatedly ask ‘What if Death really means death, not just change?’ They’ll get spooked.


Various options here. Claim to be so interested in planets that you screen documentaries by astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson making it clear the solar system can in no regard affect your fate.Or point out that all horoscopes are incredibly vague, leading to the Forer effect. Or go to the pub.


Talking to the imaginary dead is creepy and fake. Attending a spiritualist event is seeing hundreds of people told everything’s fine in the afterlife. No clear descriptions of what the afterlife’s actually like will be forthcoming. You might as well go to church.

Psychic readings 

Psychics are the cowboy builders of the spirit realm. They’ll turn their hand to anything from predicting your love life to contacting your dead gran, for a bargain £25. Ask your partner for some specific, useful information at their next reading, eg where Bitcoin’s heading.


If your true love likes ascribing numbers to words or events and drawing meaning from it they’re in at the deep end of superstitious bollocks. Best solution: get into it yourself and annotate the Torah to predict the Apollo landings, 9/11 and Piers Morgan walking off GMTV.

General bollocks

Fear of the number 13? Thinks a magpie is a portent of doom? Refuses to put shoes on the table? Day ruined by a black cat crossing their path? F**k it, go along with it. It’s not like walking under a ladder’s so great you’d hate to give it up.

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If we can't win at football we'll have to go back to wars, agrees Germany

THE German people have agreed that if they can no longer conquer Europe with football, they will do it by military force. 

Following last night’s 2-0 loss to England, Germany has accepted that its footballing dominance is waning and is ready to turn to more direct ways of ruling the continent.

Hans Kruse of Munich said: “For decades, we have channelled our natural Teutonic urge to dominate into football. And with four World Cups and three Euros, it’s gone well for us.

“But last night’s loss to the English and Bayern Munich’s failure in the Champions League means the era of German footballing supremacy is over, so we will go back to our other thing.

“Congratulations, England. You never gave up on your belief and have triumphed. Your example is an inspiration. We will not let our memories of 1918 and 1945 dishearten us. 76 years of hurt never stopped us dreaming.

“Soon the German flag will fly over the ruins of your cities and we shall regain our shattered national pride by laying waste to all Europe. Deutschland Uber Alles.

“Good luck against Ukraine, and I hope you make it to the final. No hard feelings, ja?”