Which Tory MP is the gimp prowler of Somerset?

THE gimp-suited prowler of Somerset’s identity remains a mystery but, let’s face it, he or she will be a Conservative MP. But which?

JACOB REES-MOGG

Somerset’s brave battler for a Brexit that benefits him personally is the most obvious candidate, but rubber fetishism is an invention of the last 100 years and so beneath Rees-Mogg’s contempt. Fantasising about whipping slaves on his 19th century Malaysian rubber plantation is more his thing.

ODDS 40-1

PRITI PATEL

Deprived of a world or even an office to bully, Patel is fading away without people to terrify. If she cannot make innocents petrified for their very lives, she could die. Consequently, on medical instruction, she suited up and gets her vampiric sustenance from cheap jump scares.

ODDS 5-1

ANY BACKBENCHER

The extent to which rubbing yourself against women while clothed head-to-toe in rubber and wearing a terrifying mask is simply business as usual in the Conservative party can not be underestimated.

ODDS 20-1

CHRIS PINCHER

He got clean away with the sexual scandal that unseated a prime minister and he’s horny as hell. Why not revel in depravity by gimping up and plaguing a Somerset village? Most residents merely think their fevered frottering imaginations have come to life and that nobody else can see him.

ODDS 5-2

MICHAEL GOVE

You know it’s Michael Gove. Michael Gove knows it’s Michael Gove. Michael Gove’s wife’s column ‘Why the underground S&M fetish scene is the last bastion of true British morality’ was laid out and ready to print months ago. But this charade shall continue for a while longer.

ODDS 2-5 on

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Ocado drivers more effective at blocking roads than Extinction Rebellion

CLIMATE activists trying to paralyse cities by blocking roads and causing traffic jams could learn a lot from Ocado delivery drivers, it has emerged.

Extinction Rebellion have this week successfully blocked traffic in London, Cardiff, Leeds, Glasgow and Bristol, while Ocado drivers have successfully blocked traffic in all those cities, every other city in the UK, most suburbs and half of all villages.

Ocado driver Tom Logan said: “Pfft. Amateurs.

“You don’t need dreadlocks and a samba band. Just a van, a customer carefully checking her receipt to make sure we haven’t substituted six lobsters for a loaf of sourdough, and a driver making vague gesticulations to neighbours.

“Don’t glue yourself to anything. Just park in a way that makes the road impassable, even if there’s an obvious space to pull in, then unload crates of olive oil and quinoa chips one at a time to whichever house has the biggest 4×4 on the drive.

“These hippies want to join us. They’d soon learn how to cause massive disruption while cheerily waving that we’ll be all done in a minute.”

Extinction Rebellion spokesman Jules Cook said: “F**king capitalism. It’s always so much better at ruining people’s lives.”

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