Which Tory MP is the gimp prowler of Somerset?

THE gimp-suited prowler of Somerset’s identity remains a mystery but, let’s face it, he or she will be a Conservative MP. But which? 

JACOB REES-MOGG

Somerset’s brave battler for a Brexit that benefits him personally is the most obvious candidate, but rubber fetishism is an invention of the last 100 years and so beneath Rees-Mogg’s contempt. Fantasising about whipping slaves on his 19th century Malaysian rubber plantation is more his thing.

ODDS 40-1

JEREMY HUNT

Nothing Jeremy Hunt does matters any more. Nobody is paying any attention, and nobody cares. He could wander a leafy Somerset village in a gimp suit and nobody would give a shit. And he can prove it.

ODDS 5-1

ANY BACKBENCHER

The extent to which rubbing yourself against women while clothed head-to-toe in rubber and wearing a terrifying mask is simply business as usual in the Conservative party can not be underestimated.

ODDS 20-1

AMBER RUDD

“Accept a job in Boris Johnson’s cabinet? I’d rather run up and down Claverham high street wearing a full gimp suit than work for that c*ck,” Amber Rudd unwisely said in front of witnesses in the Stranger’s Bar at the Commons last year. And so it unfolded.

ODDS 5-2

MICHAEL GOVE

You know it’s Michael Gove. Michael Gove knows it’s Michael Gove. Michael Gove’s wife’s column ‘Why the underground S&M fetish scene is the last bastion of true British morality’ was laid out and ready to print months ago. But this charade shall continue for a while longer.

ODDS 2-5 on