Whole houseshare forced to celebrate unpopular housemate's birthday

AN ENTIRE house has been forced to celebrate an unpopular housemate’s birthday because they are all stuck in with him. 

Nathan Muir turns 28 today, a fact his four Bristol flatmates would normally have ignored completely but have been unable to because of COVID-19.

Julian Cook said: “It’s not that we don’t like Nathan. We just don’t know him well enough to be the only celebrants at his lonely lockdown birthday party.

“But there’s no excuse to get out of it, and we’re all here. Hannah pretended that’s why she made a cake yesterday, and Sean’s made a card we’ve all signed, and happy birthday Nathan I guess.”

Fellow housemate Simon agreed: “Normally I’d say ‘happy birthday’ in the morning, forget about it until the evening, then make an excuse not to go to the pub with him and his halfwit rugby mates.

“I asked why he doesn’t meet them on Zoom but he said he’d rather be with his ‘roomies’. He knows this is obligation, doesn’t he? He doesn’t think we’re his friends?”

Muir said: “I can’t believe I’m turning 28 in lockdown with these losers. Still, needs must.”

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The Daily Mash Easter lockdown quiz

HOLDING a lockdown quiz with friends and family tonight? Try these questions: 

Which song still holds the record for the longest time at number one? 

A) That Wet Wet Wet one, from the Hugh Grant film.
B) Bryan Adams I guess. So is it just questions? We’re not chatting in between?
C) Frankie Laine, ‘I Believe’.

Who was the first man ever to play James Bond? 

A) Sean Connery.
B) This isn’t fun. I shouldn’t have to be concentrating on this kind of trivia when the world’s falling apart. Can’t we just talk to each other?
C) Bob Holness, in a South African radio adaptation.

Name the goalkeeper who kept Carlisle United in the Football League with a last-minute goal in 1999? 

A) I don’t know. I miss football. Do you think there will ever be football again?
B) I remember that. I was young then, and I remember talking about it down the pub. We thought we would always be young, and always have the pub.
C) Jimmy Glass.

In what year did deputy prime minister John Prescott punch a man who threw an egg at him? 

A) In the past, when everything was better. When we could go to shops and touch each other and there wasn’t a daily death toll on the news.
B) John Prescott. He was a good lad. Now the deputy’s that nutter Raab and he’s actually in f**king charge. How did it come to this? How?
C) 2001.

When will life return to normal? 

A) Maybe May? Or if not May June? Or definitely by September. Surely.
B) I’m not sure, but ‘when I’m not alone in my house doing stupid f**king pub trivia quizzes over my f**king laptop and trying to pretend it’s fun’ will be a key sign.
C) Never.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: You are currently doing okay, but in a fortnight’s time will be giving mostly B answers.

Mostly Bs: You are not doing okay, and should not do any further quizzes because there is a real risk you will punch and break your laptop.

Mostly Cs: Congratulations! You have won the quiz, missed the point, and lost all your friends.