Will you get laid before the election? A quiz

BRITAIN is due a general election this year and you’re overdue a bout of bedroom activity. But given widespread reluctance to call either, which will happen first? 

How are you looking? 

A) A solid seven out of ten. Maybe an eight if I shave and put on a ironed Ben Sherman shirt. Which I never do because I’m above average and prey on the desperate.
B) Not great. The teeth are an issue. I haven’t been able to afford new clothes since before the pandemic. And my impetigo’s bad. Though I am taller than Rishi Sunak.

What’s your relationship status?

A) Happily married, with an occasional girlfriend, a side piece in the office, and a thriving Tinder account on a burner phone.
B) Terminally single, but that does mean I’m extremely eligible. And the economy’s turning a corner so I should have enough cash for a meal for two at Nando’s by June.

How often do you put yourself out there?

A) Every time I leave the house and every time I enter it. You’ve got to make sure the odds are in your favour.
B) For some reason I keep putting it off. It never seems the right time. Just when I’m building confidence I do something like losing my only pair of trousers to a train door.

How do you set a sexy mood?

A) I treat my wife, or whoever, to a fancy candlelit meal, tell her how much I care about her, reminisce about good times we’ve shared and do everything but flop my dick onto a plate.
B) I try frantically to ignore everything that’s going wrong, like being greeted by the lads from Warhammer club, my card being declined, my nervous flatulence and her telling me she would never, ever have sex with me and just bulldoze through.

How hard are you trying to have sex?

A) A little too hard. At all times. I can’t talk to a woman without my dick rearing its purple head metaphorically and too often, literally.
B) I’ve long since given up and resigned myself to my fate. Or I tell myself I have. But I can’t extinguish that tiny little spark of hope.


Mostly As: Whether the election’s in late May, early October or dragged out to the bitter end of January next year, it doesn’t matter to you. You’re getting laid more often than Rishi Sunak’s receiving unwelcome news about the polls.

Mostly Bs: The prime minister could announce a state of emergency, arrest all opposition politicians, cancel elections and run a dictatorship until 2035. You still wouldn’t end your dry spell first.

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Gammon would still shag Team GB flag if it was up for it

A PATRIOT outraged by the Team GB flag would still give it one if it gave him the eye, he had admitted.

Sun reader Wayne Hayes, aged 54, who thinks the pink and purple Team GB flag is an affront to our country’s proud history, would nevertheless go at it good and bloody hard should the opportunity arise.

He said: “It may not look as beautiful as it used to, but I’m not shallow. I’d just lie back and think of England while not looking directly at its physical embodiment. It’s the British way.

“The Union Jack should be red, white and blue, but I’m hardly a prime physical specimen myself. Racially I’m white, facially I’m red, mid-lovemaking I’ve been known to get purple. In that sense we’ve got a lot in common.

“It would be my best shot at banging Britannia herself, bar bumping into Penny Mordaunt down the British Protection, so it would be unpatriotic to say no. I’d hum the national anthem and that Jerusalem while I stripped seductively down.

“Then it’s on to missionary, reverse cowgirl, and even a spot of 69ing. I’d treat the Team GB flag to the works to show how much I love this sceptred isle. No bum stuff or choking though, I ain’t no pervert.”

Pub landlord and friend Norman Steele said: “Wayne’s a champion flag shagger. They should book him for the opening ceremony.”