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Woman does safety wee before 45-second trip to recycling bin

A WOMAN’s confidence in her bladder is so low she needs a safety wee before leaving the house for 45 seconds, she has confirmed. 

Nikki Hollis, who already urinates before any journey, has been reduced to making sure she isn’t caught short at any point during the 22-foot there-and-back trip from her own front door.

The 34-year-old said: “After you get caught short nipping to the corner shop for cooking foil, you put pissing first.

“What if I’m halfway to the recycling and the urge comes on? Do I rattle back into the house with all that stuff or squat in the front garden? It’s a choice I’m working to ensure I never face.

“I just have this recurring nightmare that I’m going to piss myself. I never have, but that’s because I take up to 80 safety wees in any given day. If there’s an opportunity to use the loo, I’m taking it.

“I’m nervous about getting married because what if I need a slash while I’m walking down the aisle? I won’t go to festivals. I avoid friends’ houses if they’ve only an upstairs one.

“I can’t even enjoy films when they’ve neglected to confirm the characters have emptied their bladders before perilous journeys. They should show James Bond taking a piss more. I’d worry less.”

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Six musicians that are better if you don't scroll all the way down their Wikipedia page

SOMETIMES it’s better to enjoy music without idly scrolling down to ‘Controversies’ on their Wikipedia page and reading it with widening eyes:

Michael Jackson

A wall of silence surrounds Michael Jackson. Everybody has a vague idea, even if they didn’t watch that documentary. But rather than think about it too much, we rush to the dancefloor when the DJ drops Smooth Criminal as if it never happened. Check out Uncle Steve’s moonwalk! He’s been practising.

Morrissey

The Smiths were central to your moody, sexless adolescence, and you can’t go back and change that. Always something of an opinionated dickhead, it was fine when Morrissey was on about meat being murder and the Royals. Now he’s an avid follower of UKIP splinter groups? You listen to him indoors and alone for a whole different reason.

Elvis

The King of Rock and Roll’s place in music history is assured, even if he did dally with girls that even Leonardo DiCaprio would leave to age a few years. And threatened girls with firearms, and offered his services to Nixon to fight communism and drug abuse, and ripped off black artists, and yeah. Probably all that was fine in the 60s.

Kanye West

It’s been a rough few years for the committed Kanye fan, from Taylor Swift beef to MAGA hats to becoming a committed anti-Semite. His music’s declined in perfect sync and his last album only came out on a proprietory Walkman, so maintain the personal fiction that he winked out of existence in 2016 and you can still enjoy Gold Digger.

Phil Spector

The only surprise when Phil Spector committed murder was that it took him so long. He’d been waving guns around in the studio for decades, threatening everyone from Leonard Cohen to Ronnie Ronette, his former wife who he kept a gold coffin for in the basement. But he was behind the producer’s desk so we don’t have to think about him.

Gary Glitter

Rock and Roll Part 2 was a serious banger in Joker and Glitter’s before your time. What did he do? What did it even take to get cancelled in the 90s? Give it a quick Google. Ah. Right. That’s really bad. Let’s never hum that tune again.

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