Woman in luxurious bath surrounded by candles bored as f**k

A WOMAN who ran herself a luxurious bubble bath to relax in got out after eight minutes because she was desperately bored.

Sophie Rodriquez, who thought she had been looking forward to a long soak in the tub all day, found that lying still in rapidly cooling water was actually really f**king dull.

She said: “The trouble is, once you’ve got over the initial brief pleasure of sinking into the hot scented bubbles, there’s not much to do.

“I read the backs of three shampoo bottles and a conditioner but quite frankly they are all much the same. Then I tried forcing a fart out to create a fun jacuzzi effect but only managed two very small ones.

“At this stage I was pretty much done, but I’d used a shitload of hot water so I felt I should stay in a bit longer. Even though the water was now tepid and visibly covered in dead skin cells that had sloughed off and were floating around.

“So I cut my losses, got out and watched put the news on instead. It was much more pleasant and relaxing.”

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You're f**king right you're sorry, says Queen

THE Queen has responded to Downing Street’s apology by commenting ‘f**king right they’re sorry’ but ‘not as sorry as they’re going to be’.

The prime minister’s office apologised to the monarch for hosting not one but two parties on the eve of her husband’s funeral to which she replied, ‘And you think that’s sufficient, do you?’ 

She continued: “I won’t dwell on what I went through. But I will dwell on what you’re going to go through. 

“You govern at Her Majesty’s pleasure. Well, Her Majesty – you may have noticed – is not best pleased. Her Majesty is also 95 with nothing to lose and a bloody big sword. 

“Perhaps you’re familiar with a show Philip and I greatly enjoyed called The Wire, on which it is said ‘You come at the king, you best not miss.’ It’s a maxim I seek to apply. 

“If I were you, I should offer resignations while resignations are being accepted. Public executions would be a wonderful way for the country to celebrate my Platinum Jubilee.” 

A Conservative source said: “She’s not cross is she? Oh dear. I hope she still lets us borrow the yacht.”