Woman plans agreeable weekend reading lovely big book about shagging

A WOMAN has unveiled plans to spend a delightful weekend curled up in an armchair reading a massive book about shagging.

Emma Bradford plans to open a packet of expensive chocolate biscuits, make of pot of Earl Grey tea and sit in her favourite chair in the conservatory to read the 630-page Shaft of Desire by Deborah Morris.

Over the weekend she will savour the biscuits, the delicately flavoured tea and exhaustive, graphic descriptions of sweaty, uninhibited intercourse while stopping occasionally to appreciate the first snowdrops emerging in the garden.

Bradford said: “I will have my lovely blanket draped over my knees as I sip tea that will be as hot as the big fat cocks that will fill my imagination as I drift gently into Saturday teatime.”

She added: “I’ll have some spaghetti carbonara for dinner and then an early night before I return to the conservatory for a very pleasant Sunday of people coming like maniacs.

“One of the chapters is just titled ‘Wet’. I suspect it’s probably not about tea.”

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Club night ruined by comparing drink cost to Asda

A COUPLE’S evening out at a nightclub was ruined because they could not buy a drink without thinking what the same money would buy at Asda. 

Nathan and Chloe Muir knew their night out at Birmingham’s Nuvo nightclub would be expensive, but admitted that the constant price comparison website running in their heads made it hard to enjoy.

Chloe said: “You’re meant to lose yourself aren’t you, in the music and that. Order drinks with gay abandon. We tried.

“But when you decide what the hell, we’ll have cocktails and it cost £22 for something that’s more botanicals than booze, I for one couldn’t help thinking ‘You could get a litre of Bombay Sapphire for that, if it was on offer.’

“A glass of prosecco isn’t £8.50. A bottle of prosecco is £8.50. They’re at the top of aisle 14, by the champage and the cava.

“We had a dance, but the truth is I wasn’t properly drunk so I sent Nathan to the bar. He came back white. £38.50! We could have treated ourselves to that fancy Grey Goose!”

Nathan added: “I suppose this is why people do drugs.”