Woman unleashes Armageddon by leaving school mums' WhatsApp group

A WOMAN has unleashed Armageddon by removing herself from a WhatsApp group for school mums.

Emma Bradford triggered the apocalyptic conflict by leaving ‘Astrea Academy Year Nine Mums!’,  where parents in her daughter’s class share passive-aggressive messages about school uniform and homework.

Group member Mary Fisher said: “I’d just posted about my little girl’s bad cold, and was happily counting the sad-face emojis when I saw a notification saying Emma had left the chat. That’s the WhatsApp equivalent of going nuclear.

“In a matter of minutes all of the other mums had taken their sides, and we were locked in a stalemate that made the Cold War look tame. One false move and we’d all start saying what we really thought of each other.

“While this crisis sounds like it happened very quickly, the tension has been building up for ages. It’s just like China and Taiwan, only a group of mums at each other’s throats is much more terrifying.

“I don’t think anybody’s going to get out of this alive.”

Bradford added: “I had a WhatsApp tidy-up today and left all the groups I never read. I feel much lighter now, and I doubt anybody notices I’m gone anyway.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Goth visibly uncomfortable in weekend retail job uniform

A GOTH is clearly not enjoying having to wear a lurid uniform as part of their weekend retail job.

Customers of the Asda where 18-year-old goth James Bates works on weekends have noticed his clear discomfort with having to wear a garish green polo shirt instead of an all-black ensemble including a top hat.

Shopper Margaret Gerving said: “I know goths usually look sad, but James looks extra-tragic as he stacks multi-packs of Wotsits in pasty white make-up and a gilet embroidered with a corporate logo.

“Maybe he’s contemplating melancholy thoughts about the futility of existence and how we’re all going to die one day. I know that’s what I’d be thinking if I was stuck in a supermarket all weekend, goth or not.

“Or perhaps he’s thinking he should have got a job that’s more compatible with his lifestyle, like an undertaker. Then he could wear a ridiculous black topcoat with skull buttons and have a crow perched on his shoulder all day long.”

Bates added: “I’m pressuring the manager to change the uniform to floor-length leather trench coats. After we sort that, we’ll talk about adding Cradle of Filth to the in-store playlist.”