HOW would iconic Eastenders hard man Phil Mitchell fare in a classic Hollywood movie? Here are some films begging to be remade with him in the leading role.
The Shawshank Redemption
Phil stars as a man done up like a kipper and sentenced to porridge in Wormwood Scrubs for not paying the £12.50 charge for driving in London’s Low Emission Zone. He plots to break out by tunnelling into the sewage network, busting through a fatberg and spending the rest of his life sanding a boat on Canvey Island.
Classic quote: ‘Get busy living, or get busy dying, you muppet.’
The Lord of the Rings
Phil plays Gandalf the Chelsea Pensioner who has to take a ring to the pawn shop in order to get money to put on the 2.40 at Sandown. He gathers a motley crew of characters to help him, such as Grant Gamgee and Sharon of Lothlórien, and together they face down overwhelming odds, including Pearly King Sauron watching them from the top of his high-rise tower block.
Classic quote: ‘Fly, you fools, or I’ll give you a right good slap.’
Simpleton Phil navigates through life in the East End of London, meeting famous Cockneys such as Dick Van Dyke and Eric Bristow, dispensing seemingly profound but actually nonsensical homespun wisdom such as ‘dodgy is as dodgy does’ and working on a cockle fishing boat with his friend Lieutenant Wellard.
Classic quote: ‘Life is like a tub of jellied eels.’
Phil, who works for the filth, has to fight a gang of tea leaves on his night off after they take over the Oxo Tower. They’re watching the lifts, so he has to duck and dive while sneaking up the apples and pears with injured plates of meat to rescue his trouble and strife.
Classic quote: ‘Yippee-ki-yay, you mug.’
The Silence of the Lambs
Phil stars as ’Annibal Lecter, a cannibal killer who was caught bang to rights and turns grass to help Old Bill psychologist Clarice Starling catch a low-life, played by ex-EastEnders cast mate Rickaaaay Butcher, who’s dodging the dibble and causing havoc.
Classic quote: ‘I ate his liver with a nice plate of pie and mash.’
Phil plays the barman in the Dog and Duck, the North African city’s boozer, which hosts musical nights featuring Chas and Dave. Following an outbreak of hostilities between two rival firms of football hooligans – Casablanca Hotspurs and Casablanca Park Rangers – Phil has to ensure safe passage for his former bird and her old man.
Classic quote: ‘Play it again, Chas, you faaaaaakin’ slag.’