Woman's freakishly long hair her only achievement 

A WOMAN with hair way down below her arse is convinced it somehow makes her special, she has confirmed.

Charlotte Phelps is so proud of her long locks that she constantly boasts about them as if she were the only human being capable of such an achievement.

Phelps said: “When my hair was only down to my shoulders I was just an ordinary person, no different to the rest of you. But then I stopped going to the hairdresser and now look at me. I’m amazing.

“Yes, it takes the best part of two hours to wash it, brush it and blow-dry it, and I spend a fortune on shampoo and conditioner, but that’s a small price to pay for how deliciously superior I feel.

“People stare at me on the street, gazing openly at my magnificent mane. I’ve heard more than one comment about someone called ‘Cousin Itt’, who I presume is some sort of exotically-named foreign supermodel or something.”

Flatmate James Bates said: “Charlotte’s always stroking her hair and swishing it around to draw attention to it. But, honestly, who can see that amount of the stuff without secretly wanting to gag? Especially when you notice her split ends.

“Also you should see our plughole. No wonder the bathroom keeps flooding.”

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Man wishing cinemas still showed porn now they have IMAX

A MAN is disappointed that there are no longer cinemas showing porn as it would look brilliant in IMAX.

Stephen Malley is upset that in an age of cinema screens approximately the same size as tennis courts, there are no movie theatres that allow paying perverts to watch hardcore shagging.

Malley said: “People keep going on about how cinemas are struggling to stay in business due to low attendance. Well, I’ve got a solution for you: massive tits.

“Yes, staying at home and watching porn on your phone, or, if you don’t have to hide it from your partner, a 40-inch TV screen, is convenient. But it just doesn’t offer the kind of immersive experience that seeing a 12-metre-high vagina would.

“If these cinemas had any sense they’d stop showing shitty Marvel movies and put classics like The Opening of Misty Beethoven on instead. Imagine watching that on IMAX. Though I must admit seeing a dong the size of a double-decker bus might be a bit intimidating.”

Nikki Hollis, who manages an IMAX cinema in Manchester, said: “Cinemagoers make enough of a disgusting mess with popcorn and Coca-Cola. I don’t want to introduce bodily fluids into the mix.”