Women in their 40s twenty years older than men in their 40s

WOMEN of 40 or over are more than two decades older than men of 40 and over, the media has confirmed. 

Sources clarified that any woman born after 1981 was so old she would be best advised to retire, while men of exactly the same age are in their prime.

Daily Mail showbusiness writer Lottie Phelps said: “A man unfurls from his chrysalis slowly, building through character actor roles in his 30s to name-above-the-title when he hits 40. It’s wonderful to watch.

“But for women it’s different. They emerge into the world in their teens and enjoy two marvellous decades of hotness before withering into faded crones only fit to play villains.

“Don’t worry, we’re still amazingly supportive. If a woman is still hot and 40, we’ll put her in the sidebar pointing out this incredible, age-defying display.

“Or if a woman in her 40s is dating a man in his 40s, we’ll do a big piece about what a great, charitable guy he is for going out with her instead of a 22-year-old bikini model. So we’re doing everything we can.”

Emma Bradford, aged 43, said: “Thanks, the patriarchy, for acknowledging we exist. Have you met any fat, bald, whining, ordinary blokes in their 40s? They’re pretty f**king far from Tom Hardy.”

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How to take the piss like a Tory MP

WANT to transform your dreary, underpaid job into a fountain of cash like a Tory MP? Just follow these steps: 

Keep pissing off to another job or jobs 

If your office job only pays a measly £82k, don’t settle. Get another job, or jobs, and take full pay for each. Obviously don’t work the full hours for any of the jobs. That would be ridiculous.

Work from wherever the f**k you want

Former attorney general Geoffrey Cox chose to work from a Caribbean island, to avoid distractions while aiding them in tax avoidance. Likewise your ability to work won’t be affected by being based in Venice, Centreparcs Sherwood Forest, or Alton Towers.

Demand a ridiculous amount of money 

The figure should sound as though plucked from thin air by someone who learnt what money was that morning, eg. £15,000 an hour. Employers will no doubt offer even more to hang on to a highly skilled employee of your calibre.

Employ family members and people you want to shag

Blatant nepotism is a real boost to household income for essentials like skiing holidays. Pay £40,000 to your partner, kids or better still, hire someone you’re keen to bone. It’s an unhealthy power relationship that will lead to fantastic sex.

Seek out dodgy perks 

Justifiable expenses are for the weak. Yours should have no fathomable connection to your jobs, for example a heated swimming pool with retractable roof, a cellar full of rare French cheeses, or a home cinema for your dog.

Furiously refuse to accept you’re doing anything wrong

If anyone questions your bizarre and self-evidently corrupt set-up, doggedly insist it’s them who’s wrong. Eventually your righteous indignation will gaslight them into believing working three hours a week as a consultant is normal. Going the extra mile, even.