YOU may be 22 and think you’re the bee’s knees, but are you able to look after yourself at a club? Your nan certainly doesn’t think so. Here are her tips:
Don’t talk to strangers
Obviously. Strangers, especially men, always have ulterior motives. You wouldn’t want to give off the wrong signal and end up getting kidnapped and sold into slavery, would you? Though if you did, it would be your fault for being too provocative, dear.
Don’t use the toilets
Ideally, you won’t drink enough to need to go to the toilet, but if you do, make sure to go in the town hall or the petrol station. Club toilets are dens of iniquity, where all the bad in the world convenes. And if the worst comes to the worst: hover. Don’t you remember that girl from your school who got pregnant from a toilet seat?
Don’t walk on or near any roads
That includes pavements next to roads. But only walk in well-lit areas with street lamps. And don’t go down any alleyways. The majority of all murders take place down alleyways, as you well know. Or you could end up accidentally embroiled in a drug deal, which is worse.
Make sure to cover up and wrap up warm, and never go out with wet hair because that’s how you get colds, and kidney disease. A nice pair of flesh-coloured tights and a cardigan never go amiss. Make sure to check the length of your skirt – any more than a credit card’s width above the knee and people will say you’re a slag, and rightly so.
Be in bed by ten
If you text to say you got home safely any later than this, I will call the police. The sooner you’re in bed with a Horlicks, the earlier you can get up the next morning and respond to my 6am message checking you aren’t feeling too rough from your glass of Babycham, and asking what time you’re taking me to the big Tesco.