Your concerned nan's advice for surviving your night out 

YOU may be 22 and think you’re the bee’s knees, but are you able to look after yourself at a club? Your nan certainly doesn’t think so. Here are her tips:   

Don’t talk to strangers 

Obviously. Strangers, especially men, always have ulterior motives. You wouldn’t want to give off the wrong signal and end up getting kidnapped and sold into slavery, would you? Though if you did, it would be your fault for being too provocative, dear.

Don’t use the toilets 

Ideally, you won’t drink enough to need to go to the toilet, but if you do, make sure to go in the town hall or the petrol station. Club toilets are dens of iniquity, where all the bad in the world convenes. And if the worst comes to the worst: hover. Don’t you remember that girl from your school who got pregnant from a toilet seat?

Don’t walk on or near any roads 

That includes pavements next to roads. But only walk in well-lit areas with street lamps. And don’t go down any alleyways. The majority of all murders take place down alleyways, as you well know. Or you could end up accidentally embroiled in a drug deal, which is worse.

Dress nicely 

Make sure to cover up and wrap up warm, and never go out with wet hair because that’s how you get colds, and kidney disease. A nice pair of flesh-coloured tights and a cardigan never go amiss. Make sure to check the length of your skirt – any more than a credit card’s width above the knee and people will say you’re a slag, and rightly so.

Be in bed by ten 

If you text to say you got home safely any later than this, I will call the police. The sooner you’re in bed with a Horlicks, the earlier you can get up the next morning and respond to my 6am message checking you aren’t feeling too rough from your glass of Babycham, and asking what time you’re taking me to the big Tesco.

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Teen couple at Nando's tip 40p

A TEENAGE couple on a date at Nando’s have decided the correct amount to tip their waitress for their meal is 40p.

Josh Gardner and Sophie Rodriguez, both aged 17, had each eaten a single combo meal and had spoken to the waitress very little, so hazarded she had not had to do much work.

Rodriguez said: “We just had those and a drink. Also we haven’t got much money.

“A tip has to be cash, doesn’t it? And I pay everything on my iPhone and he only had £1.85 and he might need that, and we’ve only been here an hour and didn’t go on the wifi.

“I’d say she’s spoken to us four times? Like if we’d ordered cocktails and complicated stuff and ice-creams with sparklers in, we’d definitely pay more.

“But you can’t not leave a tip, it’s not like Maccy D’s. If we walked away leaving a bare table we wouldn’t be sophisticated, adult diners in a proper relationship. Which we are because we didn’t have pudding and went to see that very long DiCaprio film after.”

Gardner agreed: “40p’s alright. You can get a lolly and temporary tattoos for that.”