THE internet is infinite but that doesn’t stop the Mail Online being determined to completely fill it with utter bollocks. Like this:
Celebrity’s child resembles them
For a publication obsessed with matters of sex and gender, the Mail Online is remarkably dim about things like genetics. We won’t believe how much Reese Witherspoon’s daughter looks like her? It would be more surprising if she didn’t, but that won’t stop the Mail Online publishing 27 photos of the 23-year-old daughter wearing a bikini.
London is expensive
You won’t believe how much this tiny apartment in London costs. Unless, of course, you have a functioning brain and a basic grasp of the world. Like every other country in the world our capital city is more expensive to live in than the other parts, but it surprises the Mail Online on a weekly basis.
Is it snowing? Raining? Hot? Windy? Are people mildly inconvenienced because of it? Quick, send someone out to take pictures! And make sure each one features a person crying, looking angry or wearing a revealing outfit. Preferably all three.
Rich person enjoys cocaine
EXCLUSIVE! A high-profile person with more money than Belize spends some of it getting off their tits. Precisely nobody is surprised or bothered, but that doesn’t stop a censorious Mail Online columnist writing a scathing article about the scourge of drugs, before they nip to the loo for a quick line themselves.
Junk food has a lot of calories in it
Burgers aren’t very good for you? You shouldn’t drink five litres of Coke every day? Surviving entirely on Skittles isn’t a great idea? Who would have thought it? It’s another Mail Online health exclusive, and a great excuse to print unflattering pictures of chubby celebrities.
Millionaire is in good shape
Check out this picture of a middle-aged millionaire. Notice anything? That’s right, they’re in pretty good nick. They can afford the PR team to place this story in the newspapers, so of course they can also afford a personal trainer. Which you can’t, because you’re just a Mail Online-reading pleb.