Daily Mail flood appeal to help houses but not people

THE Daily Mail has launched an appeal to restore flood-damaged houses to their former market value.

The newspaper has set up the ‘Help the Houses’ fund to provide emergency relief for properties that were worth at least £400,000.

Editor Paul Dacre said: “When I saw a heartbreaking picture of a beautiful Edwardian five-bedroom home with a large, mature garden, a conservatory and a double garage reduced to a waterlogged mess, I realised we had to do something.

“Houses are Britain’s silent heroes, spending their lives increasing in value and asking nothing in return except routine maintenance, a good school nearby and an absence of neighbourhood multiculturalism.”

Today Dacre will visit a flooded home worth £535,000 in a desirable part of Cumbria to observe repairs taking place, before telling the owners to ‘fuck off and live in a field’.

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Primark to be zone in new Crystal Maze

PRIMARK will be one of the zones in the new live version of The Crystal Maze, it has been announced.

Contestants must try to figure out how to get through the endless throngs of people in the budget clothing outlet without punching someone in the back of the head.

A spokesman said: “If they can buy a pair of socks in under 30 minutes without getting locked in, I’ll be very surprised.

“Perhaps the biggest obstacle is the several hundred people queueing to return leggings that turned out to be smaller than they had hoped.”

The Primark zone will replace the Ocean zone and if a success, the makers may even replace other zones: “Medieval zone could give way to a House Office Zone and Aztec zone could become simply ‘Wakefield’.’

“However in keeping with the classic TV series, the prizes will still be shit.”