South East introduces hosepipe ban

EMERGENCY water conservation measures are being implemented in the South East just to show Northerners how much better it is down there.

As the North battles floods and gales, it was announced that reservoirs in the Home Counties had fallen to dangerously low levels due to a long, hot sunny spell that ‘was rather like being in Provence.’

Mayor Boris Johnson appealed to Londoners not to refill outdoor swimming pools and hot tubs more than twice per week and announced that the capital’s lidos would stay open later so people could cool off after doing their highly-paid work.

Roy Hobbs, 42 of Malden in Essex said: “It’s disappointing as the kids round here just love running in and out of their paddling pools at this time of year.

“Also my lemon trees are just coming into blossom and their scent is such a delightful feature of the traditional festive poolside barbecues we have here in the South.”

Southern meteorologist Stephen Malley said: “Unless something is done about carbon emissions, by 2030 everywhere above Birmingham will be cloaked in perpetually darkness and smell like a wet sofa. Still, no one forced them to live there.’

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Psychic Bob: They secretly call you 'the goose'

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Like all Sagittarians, you love to be the ‘centaur’ of attention! Also you are a human/horse hybrid born of an ungodly liaison. 

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Wax on, wax off. That is why Mr Miyagi’s flesh was so hairless and smooth, flowing like silk on those endless summer nights when you held him with your strong teenage hands.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)As an Aquarius you are cool-headed, detached, and great in a crisis. But does anyone ever shout “Is there an Aquarius in the house?” when their companion has a heart attack? 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Christmas is coming, and the goose is getting fat. That’s what they call you, behind your back. The goose. Because of how you walk. 

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
On Friday, you reluctantly remove ‘meddling with things man was not meant to understand’ from the Hobbies & Interests section of your CV. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
Sunday morning, and the police gently explain that it is not spiking if you do it to your own drinks and no, they can’t let you out of the cell until you’ve been charged.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The disappointing new Pirelli calendar has left you looking for a new calendar to masturbate over.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It is only when they access the loft that they find you. Huddled, shivering, naked in a corner. Wet from your own tears. Slowly they coax an explanation from you – you’re the one that created the ‘Freddie’ character in the Christmas Tesco ads. They silently climb back down and nail the loft hatch shut.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You realise you have been a bit lonely lately when you respond to a text from your phone provider notifying you of your bill by asking what they’re up to later.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
This week, the stuff in your house manages to survive flooding damage because, like most houses, it comes with a television that shows weather reports and an upstairs.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A stroke of luck buying your secret Santa present for work when it turns out shops sell any number of shite items that cost about a fiver.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
In medieval times, your sun sign was actually the Pubic Louse.