Tyson Fury ‘a delight’ at dinner party

BOXER Tyson Fury has charmed guests at a dinner party with his sparkling wit and progressive opinions.

Suburban dinner party organiser Stephen Malley said: “When my wife said she’d invited Tyson Fury I initially had reservations, especially as the other guests were her boss, the neighbours and a nice couple we met at a PTA meeting.

“I left the room to get canapes, and when I returned Tyson was explaining how the best place for a woman is flat on her back.

“I was shocked, but then it became clear that he was explaining the benefits of pilates to my wife, who suffers from muscle stiffness.”

Malley’s wife Emma said: “Tyson said I belonged in the kitchen, but only because my grey dress perfectly matches the artisan tiles. He then correctly guessed that my outfit was from Whistles and complimented the wine.

“Over dessert Tyson said that abortion should never, ever happen. Everyone was a bit taken aback, but he clarified that he just meant in the most general sense that people should start what they finish – giving the example of how I said I’d nearly given up on or ‘aborted’ the creme brulee which actually turned to be ‘divine’.

“Overall he was the perfect guest, except I did notice that when he got in his car he started gnawing the steering wheel like it was a bone.”

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Less beloved relatives getting inferior Christmas cards

BRITONS are coldly assessing the value of friends and relatives to decide what quality of Christmas card they should receive, it has emerged.

High-status individuals will be given ‘luxury’ cards, while the least worthwhile people will get flimsy ones with an uninspired picture of a robin or some holly.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “People who are a significant but unexciting part of my life, like my parents, will be getting a mid-price card with a tasteful but generic picture of baubles.

“However people I want to impress, such as my boss and my friend Emma who I fancy, will be receiving ‘stylish’ expensive art cards with 3D bits and tasteful glitter effects.

“I’ve got a pack of 50 budget cards for people I don’t care about. They’ve got a really boring picture of a fir tree, but frankly I don’t give a shit what the couple upstairs and my cousin Simon think.”

Mum-of-two Nikki Hollis said: “We only send decent cards to people who will benefit our social life, with a ‘revenge’ system for people who sent us a low-quality card last year.

“The couple who sent us an unfunny cartoon of Santa being stopped by the police have been downgraded from a photo of a fox in the snow to a Tesco card that just says ‘Happy Xmas’ in calligraphy-type writing.”