Britain has 36.4 million subtly different social classes

THE UK now has 36,402,339 different social classes, all of which can be detected and categorised in a face-to-face meeting in less than a minute. 

The classes, which include Think They’re Middle Class, Posh But Not Rich, Rich But Not Posh and Working Class Carvery Obsessive, are often separated by a single detail but can be instantly recognised by any British person.

Carolyn Ryan of Manchester said: “This seven social classes shit is for the simplistic minds of Americans.

“My colleague Dave and I may have the same job, pay and house, but everyone knows he’s inferior to me because he wears Stone Island and has curry sauce on his chips.

“However Danielle, who earns half what I do and rents an ex-council flat, is higher on the class ladder because she used to have a horse and smokes crystal meth at weekends which I wouldn’t even know where to get.

“And there’s Rob, the boss. Drives a Merc, kids at private school, suits from Hackett, but drinks tea from a big Sports Direct mug.

“Total scum.”

Dr Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Incredibly, the British mind is capable of holding all 36 million of these separate classes in their mind at any one time, taking mere seconds to assign one with 98 per cent accuracy.

“It would be worthy of further study if anyone remotely cared.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Grey jumper counts as Christmas jumper, claims man

A MAN has argued that his grey jumper counts as a Christmas jumper because that is what Christmas feels like. 

48-year-old Norman Steele’s jumper, bought from a shop that also sells tools and work clothing, was deliberately chosen as his heartfelt response to the festive season.

He continued: “It is the grey of an EastEnders Christmas Day special in which a terrible crime is committed and three marriages break down.

“It is the grey of turkey legs still uneaten in the fridge after three days because it is one of the less pleasant meats but we insist on building a day around it. 

“In its terrible, resplendent grey, this jumper is the most Christmassy of all.”

Co-worker Susan Traherne said: “My jumper has lights on and plays a joyful tune. 

“I thought that was Christmassy, because I always forget what it’s really like.”