Mums’ arms dangerously overloaded with Pandora bracelets

AN EPIDEMIC of Pandora bracelets is pushing women’s arms to breaking point, doctors have warned.

With many relatives drawing a blank on Christmas gift ideas, it is expected the average mum will receive up to eight kilos of the popular wrist adornments, leading to a condition experts are calling ‘charm-arm’.

Doctor Roy Hobbs said: “Heavy charm bracelet wearers typically have one massive forearm like Hellboy. The muscle over-development is such that they often accidentally punch through walls.

“Last week I saw multiple fractures on a woman who became trapped under her charm-arm after attempting to signal full house at bingo.

“She was wearing so many of those things it looked like she was part robot.”

Retired headmistress, Margaret Gerving, denied the charms were a problem: “Down the golf club, we’ve had to have our blazers altered to accommodate our formidable charms.

“Like with those tribal ladies who stretch their necks with brass rings, a thick Pandora-clad arm has become a mark of power and status among our community.”

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Man with ‘bullshit detector’ seems to believe a lot of bullshit

A MAN who prides himself on being able to detect ‘bullshit’ believes some incredibly stupid things.

Colleagues of sales manager Roy Hobbs have noticed his ‘bullshit detector’ often malfunctions over dubious facts, odd conspiracy theories and his own abilities.

Co-worker Nikki Hollis said: “Roy believes that dolphins can speak an actual language and Lindsay Lohan is a hermaphrodite. And apparently ‘the Russians have captured a ghost in a laboratory’.

“I’m sure none of that’s true, which makes me doubt other things he’s said, like seatbelts being bullshit because you get decapitated instead of going safely through the windscreen.”

Other subjects Hobbs has ‘called bullshit’ on include astrology, supermarket deals and global warming, although he remains convinced that hiding a 50p piece in your mouth will defeat breathalyser tests and rats can form a pyramid to attack larger adversaries.

Hobbs said: “I’m probably just more intelligent than other people, or it could be instinctive, like those dogs who can tell when their owner’s coming home because they’re telepathic.”