Cameron thinks ‘bruv’ means ‘a cup of tea’

THE prime minister thinks the word ‘bruv’ is a slang term for a hot drink.

David Cameron has been incorrectly using the term in a confident manner to describe a cup of tea.

A source said: “Yesterday he was like ‘time for a lovely bruv’ and everyone just looked at each other.

“He persisted with ‘come on, I’m parched, it’s time for a bruv-up’. Who’s going to get a bruv on? I want a nice milky bruv and one of those Hob Nob oaty bredrins’.

“Still nobody responded so he mimed holding a cup and saucer and said ‘bruv?’.

“He particularly likes saying the word, it’s his new favourite after his ‘babycakes’ phase.”

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Trump claims Islam fucked up his hair

DONALD Trump has accused Islam of ‘f**king up his once beautiful head of hair’.

Admitting he is ‘horrifically bald’, Trump insisted the only explanation was ‘bad vibes’ from a Muslim taxi driver in New York.

He said: “I used to have hair like Elvis, but when I was a young man I got into a cab driven by a Muslim. When I complained that he was taking the wrong route he stared at me and mumbled something under his breath in Arabic.

“I now realise he had cursed the top of my head with some ancient Islamic mumbo jumbo.”

Trump warned that unless all Muslims were excluded from the United States, the country faced catastrophic baldness and terrorism.

He added: “My greatest fear is that if we allow them to stay here and breed then something even worse will happen to my hair.

“Have you ever seen a bald Muslim? No, you haven’t. They all have fantastic, thick hair because they use their magic to steal our hair.

“I don’t want to look like this, I don’t want anyone to look like this – I’m not insane. But we’re up against an entire religion that wants to control all the hair in the world.”