Five twee stories BBC news will report on instead of Tory incompetence

NEED the scoop on the latest government f**k-up? Here’s the inane shit BBC news will inform you about instead.

A quirky purchase at a car boot sale

So what if petrol prices are through the roof and Universal Credit has been cut? The BBC has decided you need to hear about a man who bought a rare issue of The Dandy for 50p that turns out to be worth £500. This will be mentioned on all bulletins until an even more trivial story breaks.

A saccharine marriage proposal

It looks increasingly likely we will become a nation of serfs at the hands of the Tories, but who cares about that because Tom Booker just popped the question to long-term partner Donna Sheridan with a heartfelt flash mob? It’s disgustingly sweet, but it’s the only good news happening right, now so take it or leave it.

An admittedly inspirational achievement

It’s hard to get annoyed about a 10-year-old who gets his friends to set up a food bank to help the local community, but it will be reported in a fawning way that ignores the government failings behind the headline. Naturally the nation’s economic woes will be nothing to do with the B-word.

A report on weather

This urgent update will be heralded with the apocalyptic, cannon firing sound the BBC uses to announce breaking news. The rest of the agenda, which was only irrelevant rubbish like spiralling energy costs, will be shelved in favour of a ‘news special’ about how it’s sunny this week but rainy next.

A cat that did something, anything

Even on slow days where the only news is that energy prices have skyrocketed, the BBC can rely on a story about a cat to fill the airwaves. Maybe it got on a train and ended up miles away,  or perhaps it’s looking after a puppy. It doesn’t matter, you’ll lap it up and the BBC can stave off defunding for another day.

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Care home workers holding whip-round for MPs on £82,000 a year

CARE home workers, delivery drivers and warehouse operatives are putting their hands in their pockets for MPs on a pitiful £82,000 a year. 

The workers are holding the whip-round after Sir Peter Bottomley admitted he is not sure how MPs manage on a salary which is not even six figures, plus expenses. 

Wayne Hayes, who works nightshifts as a hospital porter, said: “And this is before rocketing gas bills and inflation at a level which we haven’t seen since the 70s. You’d have a heart of stone not to care. 

“They’ve not been hit by the £20 cut in Universal Credit because their salaries are above the threshold, unbelievably, but they’re still going to be suffering terrible deprivation.” 

Donna Sheridan, a zero-hours contract employee at a care home, agreed: “Exploiting loopholes by employing spouses and children as parliamentary staff on £30,000 a year is some help, but must feel so degrading. 

“It’s no wonder so many of them have to work second jobs as advisers to City giants and law firms. Which must be very damaging to their home lives.” 

So far the whip-round has raised a total of £435.22, which works out at just 67p per MP. Sheridan apologised, saying: “I’m sorry. I wish it was more, but we all earn f**k all.”