NEED the scoop on the latest government f**k-up? Here’s the inane shit BBC news will inform you about instead.
A quirky purchase at a car boot sale
So what if petrol prices are through the roof and Universal Credit has been cut? The BBC has decided you need to hear about a man who bought a rare issue of The Dandy for 50p that turns out to be worth £500. This will be mentioned on all bulletins until an even more trivial story breaks.
A saccharine marriage proposal
It looks increasingly likely that Christmas will be cancelled at the hands of the Tories, but who cares about that because Tom Booker just popped the question to long-term partner Donna Sheridan with a heartfelt flash mob? It’s disgustingly sweet, but it’s the only good news happening right, now so take it or leave it.
An admittedly inspirational achievement
It’s hard to get annoyed about a 10-year-old who gets his friends to set up a food bank to help the local community, but it will be reported in a fawning way that ignores the government failings behind the headline. Naturally the nation’s economic woes will be nothing to do with the B-word.
A report on Winter
This urgent update will be heralded with the apocalyptic, cannon firing sound the BBC uses to announce breaking news. The rest of the agenda, which was only irrelevant rubbish like supply chain shortages, will be shelved in favour of a ‘news special’ about how it’s mysteriously getting colder.
A cat that did something, anything
Even on slow days where the only news is that energy prices have skyrocketed, the BBC can rely on a story about a cat to fill the airwaves. Maybe it got on a train and ended up miles away, or perhaps it’s looking after a puppy. It doesn’t matter, you’ll lap it up and the BBC can stave off defunding for another day.