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Here's your f**king photos of snow you won't stop sending, says media

EVERY media outlet in the UK, from the BBC to the smallest local website, is publishing photos of snow its bastard readers will not stop sending in.

Deluged with photographs, and forced to indulge those faithfuls who still read words when they could be scrolling short-form video, the media is publishing picture after dull picture as if they offer something clever.

A BBC spokesman said: “Snow. We get it. We’re not toddlers and it’s not exciting.

“But nonetheless you rush straight out as if living where it’s snowed and having a camera is a f**king achievement. ‘Here’s my garden in Forfar! These are the hills in Helmsley!’

“Not sure if any of you pricks realise, but we’ve got a pretty substantial weather team here. We know where it’s snowing. An email titled ‘Snow in Llanddewi Velfrey!’ surprises and thrills nobody. Also why the f**k were you up photographing that at 5am?

“But, because we’re desperate for content and required to patronise you, we slap them straight up. Even though they’re the most unremarkable shots imaginable and there’s not even much snow on them.”

Bill McKay of Dunbartonshire said: “I’m an official BBC Weather Watcher. Wait til I tell the lads at the club.”

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​​How to cope with feeling sad for people who own £2 million houses

RACHEL Reeves’s ‘mansion tax’ would require owners of homes worth over £2 million to pay a relatively small extra amount. It’s a gut-wrenching blow for all of us, so here’s how to cope as best you can.

Let the sadness out

Wanting to cry is a natural reaction to knowing a well-off family who live in a huge house are fractionally worse off. Don’t bottle up your feelings, let the tears flow. But don’t go mad with the Kleenex; your last shop at Tesco made you feel like Leo DiCaprio blowing cash in The Wolf of Wall Street.  

Give money to someone with a massive house

In a crisis you feel better if you’re doing something practical, so empty your savings account and give it to the owner of a big house near you. Even just a few thousand will help with totally unaffordable bills like the £2,000 incurred by a £2.2 million home. If the homeowner is suspicious about accepting the money, push it through the letterbox or leave it in a bag on their heated tennis court. 

Exercise

Thinking about wealthy people paying a one per cent tax just on the value of their house above the £2 million threshold is bound to make you depressed, but exercise has been shown to lift your mood. The endorphins will help counter incredibly sad thoughts like people having to buy a cheaper Range Rover.

Count your blessings

Selfish, but it will cheer you up. Be grateful you’re not having to find an extra £3,000 a year from your corporate lawyer or investment banker salary. Thank goodness you’re paying £1,200 a month rent on a dingy one-bedroom flat and all you have to worry about is the damp and the neighbours selling drugs.

Go on tranquilizers 

If the pain of thinking about affluent middle-class families who’ve already been through the hell of higher private school feels won’t stop, medication may be the only option. Your doctor is likely to be reluctant due to the risk of long-term addiction, but your suffering is nothing compared to the pain of Jocasta having to go to an even more obscure public school.

Do charity fundraising 

We’ve all sneered at ‘clicktivism’, so get off your arse and raise money for the victims of the Mansion Tax. Punishing half-marathons, bake sales, sitting in a bath of baked beans like a wanker – these will prevent owners of massive houses having to cough up their own money, and make you feel better to boot. And if you and your friends are tiresome twats who need to be the centre of attention at all times, you can always do a naked calendar.

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