How to cover rail strikes as if they're history's most unprecedented outrage: A media guide

THIS week’s train strikes are the equivalent of a meteor hitting earth and wiping out humanity, if you’re a TV news reporter. Here’s how to hysterically cover them.

Feign shock at empty train stations

‘Normally at this time Waterloo would be thronged with commuters. But today it is empty. I don’t understand, why aren’t they here? Because they can’t get trains? Are they really that shallow and disloyal? Without footfall, how can this branch of Hotel Chocolat possibly hit sales targets?’

Be entirely unfamiliar with the concept of striking

’So you say you’re withdrawing your labour to force – to actually force – your bosses to pay you more? What’s more, you’ve organised into what you call a ‘union’ so all your colleagues do the same? And you think that’s legal? Stay there. I’m calling the police.’

Weep at the suffering

‘This is Nathan of Coventry, who’s been brave enough to share his story. Nathan, you have tickets to see Les Misérables, don’t you? But your day of shopping and a West End show has been ruined by having to drive here? Because of the power-crazed rail workers? Nathan, you’ll never heal from this and nor will I.’

Remain in London

‘We’ve received word that train strikes are taking place across the country, affecting stations including Euston, King’s Cross, Liverpool Street, Paddington, Victoria and Charing Cross. And also Glastonbury, which Londoners attend. Stay with us for updates.’

Look for the real reason

‘There are also rumblings that teachers, postal workers and nurses may join this strike, claiming low wages and high inflation mean they have little choice, which is a lie. This is a Marxist coup which must be beaten back by paid strikebreakers with pickaxe handles. We’ll stay on the scene until that happens.’

Where will it all end?

‘There are more strikes planned for a fortnight’s time, which may as well be airstrikes directly on the homes of hard-working Britons. Millions of us have already been devastated by these attacks on everything good and decent about the country and it’s not over yet. I am a war correspondent now and I do not expect to survive. Susan Traherne, for ITN.’

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Oh Christ, not more girlfriends who think they're Kate Bush, say men

BRITAIN’S men are worried that the renewed popularity of Kate Bush will lead to girlfriends becoming annoyingly otherworldly with an interest in billowy clothes.

With Running Up That Hill at number one in the charts, women are showing signs of wanting to be the 1980s singer known for her slightly pretentious fusion of music and dance, and being fancied by dads.

Tom Logan said: “My girlfriend Rachel used to like getting pissed and having a laugh. But yesterday I found her staring at a leaf. All she said was ‘It’s so sad that love, like all things, must die’.

“She’s started dressing like a gypsy fortune teller and bought a load of books about ghosts and fairies. Also she said her favourite baby names were Heathcliff and Cathy. So that was a terrifying double whammy.

“Boyfriends like me need to know if turning into Kate Bush can be treated. Maybe there’s a clinic where they reverse the feyness by getting women to drink pints of lager and have farting competitions.”

Kate Bush emulator Donna Sheridan said: “I’ve started staring at clouds a lot and expressing myself through dance. My boyfriend just tells me to get out of the way of the TV, but he’s not artistic like Kate and me.

“I’d advise women not to copy Kate’s Babooshka video though. As I discovered, if you’re a bit out of shape you can easily dislocate your knee, shoulder and pelvis.”