Licence payers thank Daily Telegraph for costing them a billion dollars

THE UK’s licence payers have thanked the Daily Telegraph for its sterling work costing them almost the entire annual budget of BBC1. 

Millions of Britons who enjoy the BBC’s varied television, radio and internet output are deeply grateful to a rabidly ideological newspaper with sales of 150,000 for setting the world’s most powerful senile prick onto it.

Nathan Muir of Hereford said: “Excellent work there from the newspaper that brought us Boris Johnson. Consider the nation’s chips thoroughly pissed on.

“I, like tens of millions of others, enjoy watching shows on the BBC. I mean not all of them but more than bloody ITV, that’s for sure. And I feel we underestimate how pleasant it is to listen to the radio without twat adverts performed by twat actors.

“So to have it sued for one billion dollars by a man with the full resources of the United States behind him, well, that’s going to cost me money, isn’t it? A lot of money. Money I frankly do not have.

“I understand the Telegraph has been for sale for two years? And cannot find anyone who wishes to buy it. I wonder the f**k why.”

Telegraph editor Chris Evans said: “You think that’s costing you, wait until we get Reform elected.”

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Boyfriend can hear bra unhooking from five rooms away

A MAN’S hearing is so sensitive that he can detect a bra being unhooked from the other side of the house, his girlfriend has confirmed.

Tom Booker is so pathetically excited at the possibility of breasts that even a particular pattern of footsteps upstairs, followed by a pause and a barely audible slide of metal on metal, sees him appear suddenly at the door.

Girlfriend Emma Bradford said: “I can’t hear it, and I’m inches away. I’d challenge a microphone to pick it up. But Tom’s ears are attuned.

“It is, in a way, flattering. But when I’m just in from work and slipping into comfies I just want to set the girls free without him dashing over and going in for a two-handed grope.

“When I call him from the sofa to make me a cup of tea he’s deaf to it. The unhooking and the sound of boobs released from their confinement? Like a f**king klaxon to him.

“I even have to be careful not to say the word ‘boobs’ when I’m on the phone to my sister or he appears, eyes wide with expectation. This is why sports bras were invented, because they flatten the tit and you can slip them on and off near-silently.”

Booker said: “Emma makes me sound like some deranged, sex-crazed animal, which isn’t fair. It’s just very, very exciting to see breasts in real life and sometimes be allowed to touch them.”