Mail’s giant map of Britain to include names and addresses of all traitors

THE Daily Mail is giving every reader a free ‘giant map of Britain’ to help them hunt down local traitors.

The paper said the map is particularly huge to allow the millions of names and addresses to be included without the letters being too small to read.

A Daily Mail spokesman said: “It’s about 16 foot wide and 28 foot long. You can pin it to a large outside wall, though if you live north of Swindon you’ll need a ladder to examine it. Or just lay it on the floor, the lawn or a nearby public park.

“At that point  – assuming you know where your home town is actually located – it’s really easy to find all the traitors within your midst who want to hand this country over to Guyana.

“We’re also giving each reader a giant pen so they can score off each traitor’s name as they are being bundled into the back of a van by some soldiers.”

The spokesman added: “It’s a lovely, traditional way of hunting down communists and homosexuals using a proper British map.”

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UKIP calls for ban on gay fencing

UKIP has called for the abolition of openly gay fencing.

The party said that gay fencing was undermining British democracy and defying the will of the people.

Nigel Farage, this week’s UKIP leader, said: “The decent, ordinary people of Britain are being imprisoned inside a massive gay fence.

“We must tear down this fence, or at least paint it red white and blue, rather than this multi-coloured monstrosity that looks like it was designed by a Brazilian transvestite named ‘Roberto’.”

Farage added: “More than 17 million people voted for this country to be protected by a large fence, roughly the same height as a typical English rugby player and with the same red-blooded, male urges.”

The campaign has been backed by the Daily Mail, the Daily Express, the Daily Telegraph and the Sun, who are all offering a free pork pie to readers who destroy any fence that looks gay.