Man worried he's the last of his friends to have an article in Guardian

A MAN is worried that everyone in his social circle has had an article in the Guardian except him.

Tom Logan, from Finsbury Park, logged on to his favourite passive-aggressive news website this morning to be confronted by an article about Beyonce and transgender rights written by his best friend Steve.

Logan said: “I’m a middle class Londoner of the age when most people I know have written for Comment Is Free, if they haven’t got a regular column in G2.

“Next time we go for drinks in an old double decker bus that’s now a cocktail bar, everyone will be looking at me wondering why it’s taking me so long.

“Nobody will say anything, they’ll all look sympathetic but smug just like they all do in their byline photos. 

“I always assumed my friend Isobel would be the last one of us to write for the Guardian, but she got something published last week about how potatoes are a metaphor for class consciousness, and it’s made me question my masculinity and wonder if my life is a failure.

“Hey, maybe I could get a Guardian article out of that.”

Logan added that the only thing more embarrassing than not writing for the Guardian was the fact he had a regular column in the Telegraph.


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Trump confirms ban on Sylvanians entering US

DONALD Trump has banned all Sylvanians from entering America, even the really cute ones.

New legislation prohibits any small humanoid animals entering the US because ‘anything that adorable must be a threat to national security’.

Trump said: “These Sylvanians claim they need someone to love and need somewhere to live. But what are we getting in return?

“Do they even have jobs? Or do they just hang around in forests wearing dungarees and old-fashioned ankle-length skirts that could easily conceal weapons?

“Some of them are rabbits and we all know how they breed.”

However a spokesman for Sylvania said: “Even the most cursory research would have revealed that Mr Periwinkle of the rabbit family works as a sign writer, and did all the banners for Brambles Department Store which is the biggest shop in Sylvania.

“He’s a straight up blue-collar worker and it’s not like his rich dad just gave him a load of fucking money.

“Anyway we live in a woodland haven where all species happily co-exist. Why the hell would we come to America?”