'Meghan’s not distracting 'em!' panics Daily Mail

THE Daily Mail is in panic after even vitriol about the Duchess of Sussex is failing to distract Britain from its imploding government.

The newspaper, which hailed the huge financial error which wrecked a government as ‘a true Tory budget’ without realising how right it was, is using all its old electorate-diverting tricks to no avail.

Journalist Carolyn Ryan said: “Hey! Over here! Meghan’s fake feminism’s been exposed by an American former Deal Or No Deal girl! This demands your attention!

“That didn’t work. Okay, how about the privileged backgrounds of these Just Stop Oil protestors? No? Christ, why aren’t any Strictly stars f**king this year?

“Surely you’re not more interested in food costs, energy bills and mortgage costs than the row rocking the Danish Royal family? You are? What’s wrong with you?

“Holly and Phil got booed at the National TV Awards and you were more interested in Liz Truss. Season six of The Crown is disrespectful but you’re watching interest rates. You’ve changed. Who even are you anymore?”

Mail reader Mary Fisher said: “It’s weird, but it’s almost as if Meghan Markle’s new podcast outrage is less important when I’m hungry and freezing. I know. I’m ashamed of myself.”

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Five times you're not sure you'll survive your next shit

TOO much abuse of your body will build up terrible monstrosities in your colon. Here are some of the times you’ll fear you’ve pushed it too far.

After a heavy curry

You talk a big game about your spice tolerance, but you can’t actually handle a vindaloo. Now your stomach is making noises so loud and awful that you’ve killed the romance of this date stone dead. An eruption of colossal magnitude is coming, and it could raze both you and the restaurant to the ground.

Boys’ night out

One lager won’t do any harm, so it’s a shame you went and had nine instead. You’ve got more gas inside you than the Nord Stream pipeline and your morning after toilet trip is destined to be the kind of atrocity that is solemnly reported by Huw Edwards on News at Ten.

Before a job interview

Stressed out by having to remember all the bullshit reasons you want this job, your insides have been churning themselves around like a malfunctioning washing machine. Time to decimate the nearest Costa bathroom before slipping out and pretending that stench has nothing to do with you.

Having eaten dodgy leftovers

As your digestive tract is pulsing with the angry rhythm of Dave Grohl in a temper, you have come to the realisation that the weirdly grey ham in the fridge was not fine, after all. A mass exodus of half-digested misery is on the way, and you can only pray it will just come out of one end.

After several morning coffees

Three caffeine injections in quick succession got you up and awake efficiently, but at what cost? You fear the jittery energy in your body goes right through to your arsehole, and you’ll soon be generating a tsunami that leaves you a dry, withered husk.