THE Guardian is warning online readers that if they do not pay monthly subscriptions it will move sharply to the right.
Browsers are being asked to pay £12.50 per month for quality journalism or expect a diet of xenophobia, homophobia, campaigns to privatise libraries and columns from Rod Liddle.
A spokesman for the newspaper said: “We’ve tried appealing to our liberal readers’ better natures, and the twats ignored us. So pay up or we back the Tories all the way.
“We want to keep our unique, quality reporting open to everyone but we’re losing cash hand over f**king fist. Articles about Albania’s pioneering genderqueer goatherds aren’t free. Articles about Britain’s sexiest seven-figure bankers under 25 pay for themselves.
“If you want nice articles about nice people like you wild swimming and growing windowbox quinoa, stump the f**k up. Or the Culture section’s going to be about how to spunk your inheritance up the wall on second homes and Buckinghamshire boarding schools.
“Imagine this country if every single newspaper backed Boris Johnson to the hilt. Yeah, too right you’re shitting yourself. Get that direct debit set up, you tight-fisted leftie wankers.”
Reader Tom Booker said: “Whenever the app says I’ve read 488 articles in the last month, I think ‘f**king good deal that’. But I’ve subscribed now. How else would I know everyone else is wrong all the time?”