Monday, 19th April 2021

The Mail on Sunday's sarcastic apology to Meghan Markle

THE Duchess of Sussex has demanded a front page apology from the Mail on Sunday after winning her court case against them. Here’s how they’ll do it: 

TWO years ago, we printed excerpts from a private letter between the Duchess of Sussex and her estranged father, a kind, caring man who is the real victim in all of this.

The excerpts were printed in good faith. We had no idea that Ms Markle felt she had something to hide, was desperate to stop the public seeing her true colours, and would go running to the courts like criminals do. And for that we are deeply sorry.

We sincerely apologise to Ms Markle for her errroneous perception that this newspaper did something wrong, and regret that she is such a fragile millennial snowflake that what can only be classified under British law as ‘banter’ was taken so badly.

That this apology has been delivered while her husband’s grandfather is in hospital is also deeply regrettable, and will likely upset Her Majesty at such a difficult time. Again, we are sorry. We did not want to apologise and made every effort not to do so.

We must also apologise to Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge and the true Queen of the People’s Hearts, for the suffering caused by having such an ungrateful, selfish fake of a sister-in-law. As always, Kate remains ravishing, a marvellous contrast and would never sue us.

Please forgive us for our clumsy attempt to save Britain’s great Royal family from being destroyed by an American interloper who has hypnotised our poor Prince. We only felt our readers, who have never forgotten that slattern Wallis Simpson, deserved it.

Finally, we very much regret that Meghan wears murder jewellery, permanently traumatised Palace staff by shouting at them, turned Frogmore Cottage into a sex tavern, and drove a white Fiat Uno through Paris on the evening of August 31st, 1997.

We really are so, so, sorry.