The Mail on Sunday's sarcastic apology to Meghan Markle

THE Duchess of Sussex has demanded a front page apology from the Mail on Sunday after winning her court case against them. Here’s how they’ll do it: 

TWO years ago, we printed excerpts from a private letter between the Duchess of Sussex and her estranged father, a kind, caring man who is the real victim in all of this.

The excerpts were printed in good faith. We had no idea that Ms Markle felt she had something to hide, was desperate to stop the public seeing her true colours, and would go running to the courts like criminals do. And for that we are deeply sorry.

We sincerely apologise to Ms Markle for her errroneous perception that this newspaper did something wrong, and regret that she is such a fragile millennial snowflake that what can only be classified under British law as ‘banter’ was taken so badly.

That this apology has been delivered while her husband’s grandmother is bereaved is also deeply regrettable, and will likely upset Her Majesty at such a difficult time. Again, we are sorry. We did not want to apologise and made every effort not to do so.

We must also apologise to Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge and the true Queen of the People’s Hearts, for the suffering caused by having such an ungrateful, selfish fake of a sister-in-law. As always, Kate remains ravishing, a marvellous contrast and would never sue us.

Please forgive us for our clumsy attempt to save Britain’s great Royal family from being destroyed by an American interloper who has hypnotised our poor Prince. We only felt our readers, who have never forgotten that slattern Wallis Simpson, deserved it.

Finally, we very much regret that Meghan wears murder jewellery, permanently traumatised Palace staff by shouting at them, turned Frogmore Cottage into a sex tavern, and drove a white Fiat Uno through Paris on the evening of August 31st, 1997.

We really are so, so, sorry.

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How to survive your elderly parents getting a new phone

ARE you kindly helping your ageing parents get ‘one of these Smart Phones’? Here’s how to keep your blood pressure at safe levels: 

Practise having the patience of a saint

You cannot respond with sarcasm or anger to questions like ‘Is it safe to leave it turned on overnight?’ or ‘What if it turns off the neighbours’ wifi?’ Develop the necessary mental strength to by getting a friend to ask you inane questions for several hours a day, eg. ‘What’s the biggest piece of cheese?’

Prepare for an obsession with ‘big buttons’

The old are instantly drawn to any phone with ‘big buttons’, even if they can see perfectly well and the phone is a piece of crap. This will become an obsession, so prepare for weeks of challenging discussion similar to deprogramming fanatical cult members.

Do not assume any basic level of knowledge

Mobile phones are powered by magic pixie dust and never need to be charged, right? And if they get free texts, why do they have to pay for the phone? But it emits radiation, so should it be in a lead box? These and many other issues mean you should take a double Scotch on the hour every hour until the phone is bought.

Expect numerous nonsensical calls

Your parents will repeatedly call you by mistake, so all you can hear is Countryfile or biscuits being eaten. Also expect enigmatic, Rosetta Stone-style texts, such as ‘<<111<//@’.

Take care of your health

If you develop a powerful pounding sensation in your head, lie down in a darkened room and take a break from conversations like ‘We don’t want the internet on it, we should have got one with a camera like Auntie Susan’ or ‘Will Sony let us phone places in Britain, or just Japan?’

Prepare for all your good work to be in vain

Once set up with a mobile phone, your parents will do something strange like keeping it in a drawer by the landline, never taking it anywhere with them and turning it off after every call. They will then write down incoming numbers on a piece of paper and ring back on the landline a week later.