Monday, 19th April 2021

Why it's fine for me to borrow shitloads of cash but not you, by Rishi Sunak

HI, BOY billionaire Rishi Sunak here, ready to accept praise for borrowing tens of billions with no clear plan to pay it back. But don’t you dare do the same. Here’s why: 

I’m loaded

Banks hate to lend money to people who need it, but see me as a safe investment because I’ve got so much personal wealth that I dive into it like Scrooge McDuck. I could bail the country out with my spare change if I wanted to. But then how would you ever learn to budget responsibly?

I’ve got a proven track record

Throughout this crisis I’ve been holding the purse strings, and I think the results speak for themselves. First I abandoned self-employed people to fend for themselves like the beasts they are, then I gave you all half-price Five Guys while we were trying to stamp out obesity. You couldn’t ask for a safer pair of hands.

I can magic cash out of thin air

One of the perks of my job is that I can create money simply by pressing some buttons while drinking coffee from a mug that’s worth more than you. This is very appealing to investors, whereas you have to work years to earn money and that’s boring.

I’m handsome

Even if I was ever irresponsible with money, I’d get away with it because I’m just so damn dashing. All I’d have to do is flash my dazzling smile and I’d get off without so much as a slap on the wrist. Meanwhile your below-average looks are a real drain on the nation’s coffers and discourage oligarch investment.

I wanted to be a Jedi

Few things reassure financial regulators quite as much as hearing that you wanted to be a fictional space wizard when you grew up. Having seen and enjoyed the most popular film of a generation really makes them feel that you’re an ordinary, grounded guy just like them. Also, I then drop in once again that I’m incredibly rich.