Monday, 19th April 2021

Six great ways to trigger grammar pedants

BORED and want to set someone frothing with your misuse of the English language? Strict grammarian Professor Denys Finch Hatton tells you how: 

‘Off of’

This is a very common construction in modern spoken English, but unfortunately the second ‘of’ is as redundant as Gavin Williamson come the next cabinet reshuffle. Perhaps when your grammar has been corrected, you could suggest the person responsible ‘get off of your high horse’ to really piss them off.

‘Bias’

A person or an institution can show bias or be biased, but they cannot be ‘bias’. No, not even if they’re Gary Neville commentating on a Manchester United match, you thick prick.

‘Past time’

Your ‘past times’ include playing football and going to the pub? No. You mean your ‘pastimes’. Did you learn nothing in school? Or were you too busy dicking about and now others pay the price by wincing at how ignorant you are every time you post something on cocking Twitter?

‘Its’ versus ‘it’s’

‘It’s’ is a shortened version of ‘it is’, while ‘its’ denotes possession. So you would say ‘the dog sat on its bed’ or ‘it’s exasperating being surrounded by f**king illiterate idiots who can’t tell the difference between its and it’s’.

‘Less’ versus ‘fewer’ 

Less rice, fewer grains of rice. Less construction, fewer buildings being built. Basically if you can count it then it’s fewer. For example, I could say you ignorant language-mangling dickheads are less intelligent than I am, but have fewer brain cells. Get it? Get it now?

They’re, their and there

I could explain the difference, but I think we all know you’ll never get it right. I might as well explain the proper use of English to my f**king cat. Apostrophes are just decoration to you people. Use any of these and chances are you’ll use them incorrectly and drive a good man mad. I’ve wasted my life trying to stop you.