Baldness, baldness, hiding baldness: the hot new hair trends for men over 45

ARE you a man of a certain age looking for a new style to hide your thinning hair even from yourself? Hair stylist Martin Bishop runs through this year’s looks: 


Forget the silver foxes – this is the year to embrace your inner naked mole-rat. Expect to see men who suddenly own sports cars rocking this bold style, and getting plenty of attention from the ladies for daring to go naturally bare.

Embracing the recession

Hair disappearing over the top of your head like a cowboy sunset? Lean in and slick it back. Balding is just the sexy younger sibling of the full slaphead, and you’ll see it everywhere this season. Remember, when your wife asks of an ageing actor ‘Didn’t he used to have more hair?’ what she’s really saying is ‘When did he become so gorgeous?’

Hiding the island

Developing a shrinking island of hair at the front? It’s time to embrace your inner wildman and grow the rest out, going for a relaxed, messy style that makes that exposed scalp just one more element of the whole damn mess. You may be losing it but you’re so relaxed about that prospect you drink before noon and wake up in a hedge.

The ol’ combover

Reclaim your heritage by taking on your dad’s classic look: the combover. Once everywhere, this look will instil you with a sense of power and youthful vigour – think elderly Tory MP about to be caught in a compromising position with a sex worker.

Shaved to the bone

Want people to believe you’ve got a naturally full head of luscious hair, but have made an uncompromising style decision? Shave it, and bluff it out. If anyone points out the tidemark between smooth baldness and sexy stubble, they’re rude. The cool breeze on your scalp will be a revelation and women will be falling over themselves to bag you as their own Mark Strong.

Hair transplant

Women often fancy footballers, and who’s a better footballer than Wayne Rooney? Don’t Google it, but if you already have, rest assured the bleeding doesn’t last forever.

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Your ex, and the four other worst people on dating apps

DATING apps are nightmarish hellscapes populated by the scum of the earth, so you’ll fit right in. Here are the people who’ll keep you company: 

Your ex

Getting back with an ex is a great way to make your life not just miserable but miserable in a familiar, boring way. Stop obsessing over their profile of lies and move on. After all, the next heartbreaker might only be a few swipes away.

Your creepy colleague

Their profile will be one out-of-focus selfie with no bio description, but they’ll have purchased every upgrade possible to get into your inbox. Behave like you did in the office and totally blank them until you need a favour.

Circus skills enthusiasts

In the real world these people are a novel rarity. On dating apps they’re every other person you swipe past with a knee-jerk, dead-eyed contempt. It’s as if there’s a correlation between riding a unicycle while wearing a silly hat and being terminally single. Don’t even match with them when you’re drunk and fancy watching someone juggle fire on stilts.

Group photo people

The profiles of these loathsome time wasters only feature group photos of at least thirty people, in the hope you’ll think they’re popular. Instead of trying to spot and rate them get a similar yet ultimately more satisfying experience from any Where’s Wally book. Don’t try to find the little wizard scrolls though, they take the piss.

The genuinely attractive

Worst of all are attractive people with well-written bios who don’t send dick pics, aren’t lastingly damaged and send funny, flirtatious messages that make you really believe you could have a future with them. Until they reject you.