Tough new Guardian masthead 'wondering why it’s next to all this hippy bullshit'

THE Guardian’s new, no-nonsense masthead is puzzled as to why it is ‘sitting on top of a lot of namby-pamby bollocks’.

Masthead, Tom Logan, said: “I’m muscular, I’m bold and I get things done. I do not suffer fools, especially hippies.

“I should really be sitting on top of an article about an SAS-style fitness regime or a comment piece about why Brexit will be fantastic for British companies that make jet skis.

“Instead I’m being associated with Bernie Sanders whingeing about inequality and wind farms and some dreary bird going on about her periods.

“Meanwhile, my friend Janice, who is a perfectly nice sans-serif masthead in pale blue – completely full of shit about climate change, but a lovely personality – has a second interview today with the editor of Men’s Fitness.

“I think there may have been a mix-up at the masthead recruitment agency.”

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Self-employed builder makes bid for Carillion contracts

A SELF-EMPLOYED builder who owns his own lorry has bid for Carillion’s prison, hospital, school and Ministry of Defence contracts.

Roy Hobbs, of Hobbs Construction in Macclesfield, whose slogan ‘We never leave a job unfinished’ is familiar to anyone who has seen it on his lorry, has told the government he is ready to pick up where Carillion has left off.

He said: “We’ll have to agree a schedule. I can’t build a hospital in Liverpool and HS2 simultaneously. I’ve only got five lads, counting the apprentices, and Jordan doesn’t always turn up.

“What I’d say is give us a go, we’ll build a prison or whatever, and if you like it then we’ll take on the other jobs. My wife could do school dinners. Kids mainly want crisps.”

Home secretary Amber Rudd said: “To give a self-employed builder, no matter what its pedigree, millions in vital government contracts would be irresponsible, idiotic and doomed to certain failure.

“But if the alternative is the public sector, then I’m afraid we have no choice.”