Tough new Guardian masthead ‘wondering why it’s next to all this hippy bullshit’

THE Guardian’s new, no-nonsense masthead is puzzled as to why it is ‘sitting on top of a lot of namby-pamby bollocks’.

Masthead, Tom Logan, said: “I’m muscular, I’m bold and I get things done. I do not suffer fools, especially hippies.

“I should really be sitting on top of an article about an SAS-style fitness regime or a comment piece about why Brexit will be fantastic for British companies that make jet skis.

“Instead I’m being associated with Bernie Sanders whingeing about inequality and wind farms and some dreary bird going on about her periods.

“Meanwhile, my friend Janice, who is a perfectly nice sans-serif masthead in pale blue – completely full of shit about climate change, but a lovely personality – has a second interview today with the editor of Men’s Fitness.

“I think there may have been a mix-up at the masthead recruitment agency.”