UKIP leader to focus on slightly less racist swimwear models who are into older men

THE leader of UKIP has pledged that his next 25-year-old girlfriend will not be as obviously racist.

Henry Bolton told party members he had been guilty of focusing on the breasts of ex-girlfriend Jo Marney rather than her white supremacist values.

He said: “Like all balding men in their fifties I just want to have sex with a nubile young woman. I foolishly believed that everyone would be okay with that, even if the young woman in question was spectacularly racist.

“I have learned my lesson and from now on will only proposition swimwear models who want to repatriate immigrants because they are worried about the pressure on public services.”

Meanwhile Martin Bishop, head of politics at the Institute for Studies, said: “While the opinions of Henry Bolton’s former mistress are horrible, in the grand scheme of things none of this really matters because Henry Bolton is the leader of UKIP.”

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Today most depressing day of year, says scientist disgusted at what he’s become

TODAY is officially the most depressing day of the year, according to a scientist degrading himself by concocting media bullshit.

Copper Sulphate Monday is when boffins open newspapers and see the unrecognisable caricature of science that, God help them, they have helped to create.

Dr Wayne Hayes said: “I work on high-throughput mutation detection for the Cancer Genome Project, or used to.

“There isn’t the funding for that, but there’s plenty of money to come up with equations demonstrating how to seat the perfect dinner party, the mathematics behind single socks going missing from the dryer and graphs explaining why Homeland should have finished after one season.

“They’ve promised I can do some proper research in February, after I’ve finished this equation which proves how to flip the perfect pancake.”

The scientists have come up with the equation SE=I-O², where SE is self-esteem, I is a negative number representing integrity and O represents the scientists’ overdraft, to explain why they can no longer look at themselves in the mirror.