Woman unable to decide whether to donate to Syria or the Guardian

A GUARDIAN reader is torn between giving £5 a month to send clothes to Syrian children or a similar amount to ensure she can continue to read the thoughts of Deborah Orr.

Mary Fisher admitted that she is struggling to combine her humanitarian obligations with the need to know what Jonathan Jones thinks about Facebook.

She said: “I’m not sure who needs the money more. On the one hand, this is the biggest refugee crisis since 1945, but on the other hand, quality journalism costs money.

“Of course, I want unaccompanied minors in Calais to have food and medicine. But a world without George Monbiot and Suzanne Moore explaining why something I thought was good is actually bad is not a world I want to live in.”

“I already stopped donating to Oxfam so I could give the money to Wikipedia instead.

“Next they’ll tell me I need to get a license to watch the BBC.”

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Premier League chairman wakes up wondering who the f**k he bought last night

A PREMIER League chairman has woken up in the boardroom with vague memories of going on a transfer binge late last night. 

West Bromwich Albion owner Jeremy Peace regained consciousness face down on an oak table, to the sound of a fax machine spewing out pages and the nagging feeling that he made some impulsive decisions before midnight. 

He said: “Who, or what, the fuck is Allan Nyom? 

“I only ask because I’ve got some paperwork here with his name all over it but no indication or whether he’s a striker or a midfielder or a goalkeeper or whatever. 

“It’s the same every transfer deadline. I go after someone, I don’t get him, the green mist comes down and suddenly I’m bidding for every creative midfielder I can find footage of on YouTube. 

“The last thing I remember is screaming down the phone in Spanish that I’d pay £32 million for Ricardo Carvalho, so how I ended up with Hal Robson-Kanu I don’t know. I thought he played for us already. 

“Ah well, it’s only Chinese money. But Pulis is going to go mental.” 

Peace then began repeatedly banging his head on the table after realising he had forgotten to sell Saido Berahino for the third window running.