Yahoo! feeling a bit like Poland in 1939

EXECUTIVES at Yahoo! have revealed a strong affinity with Poland in September 1939.

With the Daily Mail poised menacingly on its border, the internet company said it felt ‘rather helpless’ and hoped the Panzer tanks were metaphorical.

A spokesman said: “The Mail probably does have real Panzers, but we assume they don’t use them in takeover negotiations.

“They’ll just be just sitting in a garage in Kensington in case cannabis is legalised or Jeremy Corbyn wins a general election.”

A Daily Mail spokesman said: “Yahoo’s news platforms will give us greater internet ‘living space’ for stories about blond-haired, blue-eyed celebrities.

“We have no plans for further expansion, apart from some bits of Facebook that are ethnically Daily Mail.”

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First-time buyers unable to resist celebratory Facebook post

A COUPLE could not stop themselves bragging on Facebook about buying their first house, it has emerged.

Although most of their friends are unable to afford a home, Nikki Hollis and Stephen Malley shared a number of images including a close-up of their house keys with the caption ‘The new crib #owning #it’.

Malley said: “We’ve worked really hard, and Nikki was smart enough to have a rich dead aunt. What are we supposed to do – just quietly move in?

“Resisting the urge to boast about property purchase is the greatest challenge facing our generation. Sadly we weren’t strong enough this time – maybe we’ll keep quiet when we buy another larger house with a massive double garage.

“I doubt it though.”

Hollis said: “Having something that many of our peers desperately want makes boasting irresistible. Luckily I have the deeply cynical attitude that everyone else is just as awful as us, which neatly justifies whatever we do.”

Hollis’s mother Laura said: “I’m just sorry I couldn’t help my daughter when she posted a photo of her first candlelit meal in what she referred to as her ‘new casa’. The government should have intervened to stop her.”