You are a Daily Mail journalist: Can you turn three controversial tweets into a news story?

READERS love being riled up by the Daily Mail. And nothing gets them going like stories based on tweets from random nutters. If you want to be a Mail reporter, here’s how to master this vital skill.

Pick a controversial subject

Mail readers spend their days waiting for something to turn them into a frothing volcano of fury. As a reporter, it’s down to you to find a topic that never fails to give people over the age of 50 a massive rage boner – and there’s no shortage of those. Immigration is a no-brainer. Veganism will strangely send people into a frenzy. And trans women keep cheating at swimming by being men.  

Think up a mad opinion

You’ve got a contentious subject. Now you need to think of a totally batshit opinion on it – something that will both frighten and infuriate the average gammon. Let your creativity run wild: ‘Sausages are cultural appropriation, says BLM’, ‘Men should be forced to wear skirts in the workplace’, ‘Curtains are racist’. Don’t worry about going over the top – your readers are mental, possibly due to years of reading the Mail.

Find tweets by unhinged people who actually have that opinion

Back in the day, journalism was much harder. You actually had to go out and find lunatics with insane opinions in the real world. In 2022, you can find millions of utter f**king fruit loops at the touch of a button. Yes, it’s time to go on Twitter. And fortunately, only three tweets are required to justify a front page article. Use the search function to find a few disturbed people who have tweeted your crazy opinion then get copying and pasting.

Pretend those tweets represent the views of millions

Nobody cares about the opinion of a few losers with seven followers between them – but don’t let that get in the way of a good story. Now make it look like millions of people agree. It’s all about your use of language. Let’s say you write that that there are calls to outlaw Maltesers. No one need know that the only people making those calls are an unhinged twat in Wrexham, someone who thought the post was a joke, and someone who clicked ‘like’ by mistake.  

Repeat this process every day

By this point, you should already have an incredibly compelling – and totally baseless – story on your hands. But the true Daily Mail journalist needs to meet this low standard every single day. People want to make Action Man a woman. Students think traffic lights are part of the patriarchy. Phillip Schofield should be deported. The only limit is your imagination and lack of integrity.

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GCSE pass rate falls from when it was made up

THE GCSE pass rate has fallen dramatically from the last two years, when teachers made it up.

Pupils have found that no amount of real-world study and work can produce the same high results as ones plucked out of thin air by teachers and exam boards keen to make it look like they are doing a good job.

Grace Wood-Morris, aged 16, said: “Last year my brother got five 8s, two 7s and a 6 even though he’s thicker than a shit sandwich.

“The 6 was in Spanish. He didn’t even do Spanish, but the school said ‘on a robust assessment of likely attainment levels factoring in the Covid-19 pandemic’ he deserved it.

“Now I’m walking out, after a full year of school attendance, with two 4s and two 3s just because I ‘didn’t get anything right’, which is hardly fair. And it’s not like ten years ago. That doesn’t get you a place on a degree course at Northumbria University anymore.”

Teacher Mr Roberts said: “We would have liked nothing more than to keep inventing the results off the top of our heads without having to be in the same room as teenagers. It was a dream for us.

“Sadly, we’ve been forced to acknowledge reality and the reality is that British kids are thick, lazy twats who waste all their revision time on TikTok. Good luck with the future.”