19 minor changes you'd make to your partner

DOES your partner have traits you’d like to change to make them into an acceptable human being? Here is an extensive, but far from complete, list.

Weight loss. They needn’t be Chris Hemsworth or Gal Gadot, just not have the same body shape as a Tellytubby.

Not have friends with problems. Such as your girlfriend’s pal Clare. You’ve wasted hours thinking of good advice she’ll never hear, eg. ‘Stop shagging narcissistic twats. You’ll really enjoy not crying all the time.’

Humming. Just noise and makes you think there’s an electrical fault.

Learn to drive. Or rather: learn to drive without constantly slamming on the brakes, or making overtaking a white-knuckle gamble with death. They can practise when they drive to work every f**king day.

Brexiter father-in-laws. Could your partner somehow get a new dad? Is 43 too old to be adopted?

Pop culture knowledge. Is it too much to ask that your partner has a working knowledge of Ulysses 31?

Haircut (his). He should go to a proper stylist not that useless barber. He might even like having a flattering haircut that doesn’t look as if his dad grudgingly took him for a ‘short back and sides’ in 1987.

Haircut (hers). All you ask is that she acknowledges her £150 hairstyle isn’t vital expenditure like getting the toilet fixed.

They should wear sexy underwear. Faintly ridiculous, yes, but men can’t help it. Lingerie doesn’t feature in men’s bedroom attire, but they can doll themselves up too by buying some non-threadbare boxer shorts without frankly revolting stains and a massive hole in the arse.

The Fast Show catchphrases. It ended in 1997. Maybe stop saying ‘Suits you, sir’.

Improved cooking skills. Just anything more ambitious than putting breadcrumbed fish and frozen chips in the oven. Then acting like Marco Pierre White if they serve some fried mushrooms with them.

More blowjobs. Okay, the giver doesn’t really benefit, but it’s the same with Christmas cards and they send loads of those.

Reduced bathroom time. Seriously, what are they doing in there? Having a shit isn’t hilarious so you suspect Terry Pratchett is involved.

Realise that things their gender happens to like are not always bargains. £400 for a discounted pair of Jimmy Choos is not ‘practically giving them away’. And buying Stella in 18-can packs isn’t ‘beating the cost-of-living crisis’.

Last-minute anything. British Airways is not going to delay a flight with 300 people on it because you’re still faffing around eating toast two hours before takeoff.

Partial washing up. Anyone who leaves a bit of food gunk on a plate then puts it away deserves to be shot.

Developing an interest in war documentaries (women). They love human drama and there were humans at the Battle of Kursk, so what’s the problem? You don’t expect them to watch an hour-long documentary about the development of the Flying Fortress though. You’re not a sadist.

Developing an interest in things that aren’t war documentaries (men). Not every enjoyable form of entertainment involves violent death. Take a chance on other things, and suddenly discover Mean Girls is a bloody good film.

Superstitious bollocks. If your partner’s dreamcatcher worked, how come last night you dreamt you had to get married to Greg Wallace then a shark ate your foot?

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Who could be the next unelected and hugely unpopular Tory leader?

A NEW unelected and wildly unpopular Conservative could soon be leading the country without the country’s consent, but who? We rank the runners and riders:


A desperate alliance of two rejects, the first who Tory members hated and the second who Tory MPs hated, neither of whom have any affection for each other or agree on how the country should be governed. With this eleventh-hour Judges Houses’ fusion of wretched failures, what could go f**king wrong?

Odds: 7-2


In steely-eyed determination to prove the Tories aren’t racist, even though they are and that’s not the question being asked right now, the ethnic minority extreme-right dream team rises to power in a manner reminiscent of certain documentaries on specialist history channels and proceed to go outright apeshit crazy. Few will survive.

Odds: 12-1


Back by dope demand, the bad boys of Brexit return to the stage to learn that just because we didn’t want those other twats doesn’t mean we want them. Back on the bus, back on tour, backed off Beachy Head by a driver who is posthumously awarded the Victoria Cross by a grateful nation.

Odds: 30-1


Red Wall Tories jump ship and cross the floor to Labour in record numbers, making Keir Starmer prime minister against his will. Immediately calls general election to give himself a proper mandate but taint of Tory government sees a landslide loss to an alliance of the Lib Dems, SNP and Greens. Is heard to remark ‘f**k my f**king luck’.

Odds: 300-1

Rees-Mogg-Pitt the Younger

Jacob breaks out the family time machine, brings Britain’s longest-serving prime minister to the future, cures his syphilis and runs on a ‘bring back the good old days of the Napoleonic Wars’ ticket. Boomers and hipsters vote for them in record numbers. Government runs for four terms.
Odds: Evens