THINK you’re poor? Not if you own a smartphone. Here I, Telegraph reader Roy Hobbs, explain how you can’t be struggling if you own these things:
Smartphone
If you can afford a smartphone, you aren’t needy and that’s all there is to it. I don’t care if you only managed to get it because it’s on a contract you can barely pay every month, and I don’t believe that you can’t make a benefits claim without one. Haven’t they got pens and paper down the dole office? It’s not like internet access is vital to modern life, after all.
A cheap foreign holiday
Are you really trying to tell me that it’s cheaper to go on an all-inclusive package deal to Benidorm than it is to hire a holiday home in Cornwall? Don’t be so bloody stupid, I wasn’t born yesterday. If you claim not to have much money you certainly shouldn’t be gallivanting around abroad, however much joy it will bring your kids.
Avocados
Or any type of food that I consider a luxury, and especially if it’s organic. No, I don’t want to hear that you can’t afford many pleasures in life anymore, and eating healthily is important to you. If you can afford to buy something as lah-di-dah as one avocado then you’ve got no right whining about tax breaks for the wealthy.
Flat screen TV
Anyone who owns a flatscreen television is living in the lap of luxury, if you ask me, despite the fact that it’s impossible to buy anything else nowadays and actually you can get one for about £100. Unfortunately, my prejudice about them got stuck in 2003, so I’ll keep repeating the same lazy bollocks even when we’re watching Eastenders on a hologram.
Underpants
In my day we wore our drawers until they had holes in them, and then we’d turn them inside out and wear them again, which I still do now. If you swank around buying a pack of five boxer shorts from Tesco, you’ve a nicer life than I ever had. Yeah, I could easily afford them on my final salary pension, but I enjoy being a miserly old bastard.
