Monday, 19th April 2021

20-something girlfriend acting like 80-something woman

A MAN is growing increasingly concerned that his 29-year-old girlfriend is actually an 80-year-old pensioner in disguise.

Tom Logan is perplexed as to why his partner Lucy Parry perpetually needs to be sitting on the sofa wrapped in a large, soft blanket and clutching a cup of tea.

Logan said: “We used to get wasted on cheap speed on a regular basis but now she won’t even have caffeinated tea after 6pm because it stops her sleeping.

“I reassured myself that at least she’s not drinking Horlicks, but she’s started doing some other weird things, like insisting we only shop at Waitrose ‘because the spaces are nice and big’.

“She’s also started washing and drying plastic bags and then putting them inside their own special bag under the sink. What happened to the party animal who used to use them to make bongs with?

“I’m going to watch her closely tonight before bed. Any sign of dentures and she’s dumped.”