DATING apps can be a confusing experience, so it’s good to be aware of coded euphemisms for ‘Just a shag, if you’d be so kind’. Here are the most popular ploys.
‘Looking for someone who doesn’t take life too seriously’
Basically means they’re seeking a woman whose life goals don’t involve marriage or children but do involve getting on his cock in the next 20 minutes. Tell him about your work problems or anything vaguely emotional or requiring his help and you’ve broken the terms of the deal.
‘Sapiosexual’
A word that should mean ‘immediately swipe left’. It refers to someone who’s attracted to intelligence, yet somehow has been adopted by any man who’s going to write four paragraphs explaining why he can’t love you – but can still ride you – because you’ve never seen Apocalypse Now. This guy wants you for only two things – casual rutting and being impressed at his use of the semicolon in texts.
‘Just came out of a long relationship’
Flagging up his heartbreak to draw in sympathetic types, this individual wants you to handle both their heart and their perineum with gentle loving care. This sensitive soul has been wounded by love, and when you expect commitment he’ll remind you that he isn’t over his ex, but fellatio has been the best tonic for the pain. Because while his heart can no longer be touched by another, his knob is a different story.
‘Not sure what I want right now’
Yes, he does. It’s bareback anal with an anonymous stranger on the couch before his roommate/wife gets home. But you can’t say that without someone screenshotting it and complaining, so he has to act all coy, like he’s gone to the trouble of downloading the app, putting up pictures and swiping millions of times for no reason.
‘Netflix and chill’
An old euphemism but a good one. A date at home saves money and time before shagging. He’ll even come to you, sweetheart that he is, which also saves him the trouble of trying to throw you out of his flat immediately after sex.
