Are you a nightmare to go out with?

DO your relationships keep ending badly? It could be because you’re a fucking nightmare to go out with. Take our test and find out.

When is a good time to discuss relationship issues?

A) At the weekend when you’re both relaxed.

B) When you’re frantically checking everything because there’s a cab outside your house waiting to take you to Heathrow for two weeks in Spain.

How should things be arranged in your house or flat?

A) Er, just normally.

B) Via an arcane system whereby pants, socks and tops go in different washing baskets and cutlery is arranged in the drawer by order of size, not type, in a baffling ‘OCD’ way.

You become friendly with a co-worker who seems attracted to you. What do you do next?

A) Keep it strictly platonic.

B) Conduct a weird text flirtation which could just be colleagues having a laugh or ongoing hot filthy hotel sex.

Your partner keeps doing something that annoys you. What is your response?

A) Mention it calmly and maybe make a joke of it.

B) Say nothing and store up your resentment for months before finally exploding in a horrific nuclear blast of irrational anger during which you insult them, their friends, exes, job, parents and cat.

What is going to the pub with your partner like?

A) You chat to your partner and friends.

B) You constantly flirt with other people, or get shitfaced and spend most of the evening with a group of total strangers at the pool table, one of whom clearly wants to shag you.

Mostly As. You are easy to go out with, but don’t worry, you’ll probably meet someone who wants to share their psychotic personal dramas.

Mostly Bs. You are a nightmare. Stop doing mad things like suddenly getting out a suitcase and threatening to leave at 1am after a perfectly pleasant evening because your partner “doesn’t understand you”.

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Man who thinks women's football is boring won't shut up about golf

A MAN who claims women’s football is slow and lacking in action also thinks men hitting tiny balls with sticks for hours is utterly fascinating.

Avid TV golf viewer Joseph Turner dismisses top-level women’s football but loves even the most tedious bits of golf, such as players walking slowly to where they have hit the ball.

Turner said: “Women’s football just doesn’t appeal. I can’t actually give you a good reason why, but maybe they look odd in football strips and should have pretty dresses like tennis players?

“By contrast, even though a game of golf takes hours and involves an awful lot of standing about doing fuck all, it’s still extremely interesting, unlike female athletes leaping around and scoring goals.

“I’m as much of a feminist as the next bloke but women just aren’t as good at sport, except for synchronised swimming. I wouldn’t want to watch men doing that.”

When asked if he thought he would be a better player than any of the current England women’s football team, 63-year-old Turner said: “No, but only because I’ve got a sore knee.”